Tag Archives: shame

Working On Emotional Intelligence Will Open Doors To Achievement

Emotional Intelligence Empathy Plus

Personal power is a core leadership competency that everyone  needs to develop before they can lead others. It has to do with being able to
lead yourself.

“Personal power is the ability to achieve what you want,”  according to Frederick Mann, a successful entrepreneur and author of The  Economic Rape of America.

“More than anything else, it is personal power  that brings you success and happiness. The biggest barrier to success in almost
any endeavor is powerlessness, negativity, helplessness, and inertia. They  belong together. The problem is not only our own powerlessness, but also the  powerlessness of those around us.”

We can help harness and learn to use our personal power by  understanding and working on our Emotional Intelligence (EI) skills.

Not long ago, when I worked in a corporate environment, there was a strong push to incorporate EI into the organization’s leadership
training curriculum as an array of skills and characteristics that drive  leadership performance.

EI is “the ability to monitor one’s own and others’ feelings  and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide
one’s thinking and actions,” according to psychologists John D. Mayer and Peter  Salovey, who co-developed the concept and were two of the three authors of the Emotional Intelligence Test.

a.  Pay attention to the feedback of friends and co-workers, good and bad. Train yourself to repeat the behaviors that get positive feedback and work on eliminating those that make people react negatively.
b.  View constructive criticism as just that. When we become defensive, we don’t hear what can be very helpful feedback.
c.  Learn to handle conflict and confrontation from a perspective of compassion and caring.

Personal coaching can be very helpful in learning to be more diplomatic in your interactions with others.

Dr. Salovey (left) and Dr. Mayer (right)
Dr. Salovey (left) and Dr. Mayer (right)

My EI training and its practical applications to my work team environment still resonate in my personal life. They became skills that I now methodically apply to current situations in both personal and entrepreneurial pursuits.

There are several EI models, but the one to which I ascribe is the mixed model introduced by Daniel Goldman, a combination of ability and traits. Here are Goldman’s five main EI constructs, and my views on how each of us can develop them:

1.  Self-awareness: the ability to know one’s emotions, strengths, weaknesses, drives, values and goals and recognize their impact on others while using gut feelings to guide decisions.

In order to become self-aware, you need to conduct an honest self-assessment to determine your strengths and weaknesses, such as powerlessness and inertia, and determine the root causes. You then need to create a plan that will help you overcome your fears, which are barriers to courage and stand between you and your successes.

While I am a big proponent of using my intuition to guide my decisions, whenever it is appropriate, I need to caution that unless your gut
feelings are often more right than wrong, you cannot make decisions solely based upon intuition. You need to use a balanced combination of intuition and logic.

2.  Self-regulation: involves controlling or redirecting one’s disruptive emotions and impulses and adapting to changing circumstances.

Simply put, you need to exercise self-discipline and know how to control your emotions and be flexible in order to adapt to changing
situations. You cannot continue on the same trajectory or keep the same plans when the circumstances or facts have changed. Your plans need to be modified accordingly.

3.  Social skills: managing relationships to move people in the desired direction.

Your social skills refer to your interpersonal skills or your ability to relate and connect with people, which can motivate them to deploy discretionary efforts to help you achieve goals that are best accomplished via partnership and collaboration.

Here are some tips for improving your social skills:

a.  Pay attention to the feedback of friends and co-workers, good and bad. Train yourself to repeat the behaviors that get positive feedback and work on eliminating those that make people react negatively.
b.  View constructive criticism as just that. When we become defensive, we don’t hear what can be very helpful feedback.
c.  Learn to handle conflict and confrontation from a perspective of compassion and caring.

Personal coaching can be very helpful in learning to be more diplomatic in your interactions with others.

4.  Empathy – considering other people’s feelings, especially when making decisions.

Some people believe empathy cannot be learned, but I believe just the opposite. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to see
situations from their perspective. Might they be feeling fear? Shame? Guilt? How do those emotions make you feel? Understanding and addressing the concerns of others is essential to EI.

Always consider intent versus impact, and how your actions or decisions may affect the individuals or groups involved.

5.  Motivation – being driven to achieve for the sake of achievement.

Simply put, what motivates you? What are your benchmarks for success? Once you achieve certain levels of success, you need to consistently
set new benchmarks to keep chasing personal excellence!

Practice your EI skills on yourself first, and you’ll develop greater personal power. That can lead to achievements you may never have dreamed possible. For the Silo, Lynda Chervil.

Lynda Chervil is the author of “Fool’s Return,” http://lyndachervil.com/, a new novel that incorporates valuable life lessons in a page-turning tale that touches on technology, the green movement, and other aspects of contemporary society.

Lynda Chervil
Lynda Chervil

Canada’s Truth And Reconciliation Commission

Reconcilation

[This article was first published by The Silo on April 22, 2014] On June 10, 2009, the Honourable Justice Murray Sinclair, Marie Wilson and Chief Wilton Littlechild were appointed as Commissioners to the Truth and Reconciliation Commission of Canada (TRC), a component of the Indian Residential Schools Settlement Agreement.

Canada’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission is unique from other commissions around the world in that its scope is primarily focused on the experiences of children and its research spans more than 150 years (one of the longest durations ever examined). It is also the first court-ordered truth commission to be established and most notable, the survivors themselves set aside 60 million dollars of the compensation they were awarded to help establish the TRC.

Over the course of its 5 year mandate, one of the main tasks of the Commission is to create an accurate and public historical record of the past regarding the policies and operations of the former residential schools, what happened to the children who attended them, and what former employees recall from their experiences.

It is difficult for Canadians to accept that the policy behind the government funded, church run schools attempted to “kill the Indian in the child”.  The violent underpinnings of the policy challenge the way we think about Canada, and call into question our national character and values.  We have been taught to believe that we are a peaceful nation, glorious and free.

The residential school legacy shines a light in our darkest corners, where we feel most vulnerable.

Over 130 Residential Schools were located across Canada, with the last one closing in 1996.   More than 150,000 First Nations, Métis and Inuit children as young as five years old were forcibly removed from their families and placed in institutions that shamed their languages, customs, families, communities, traditions, cultures and history.  In essence, they were not allowed be themselves and denied the love and belonging owed to all children.

Reconcilation

While some former students had positive experiences at residential schools, many suffered emotional, physical and sexual abuse, and others died while attending these schools. Other lessons in trauma included assimilating children to gender roles, non-skilled labour and religion to prepare them for future integration.   For the parents left behind, the worst lessons in shame, grief, loss and disconnection. Whole societies were undone.

In addition to creating the public historical record of the past, the survivors also tasked the Commission to reveal to Canadians the full and complete story.

What were they thinking? Why should it matter to ordinary Canadians?

Here’s why:  When we tell our stories we change the world. When we don’t tell our stories we miss the opportunity to experience empathy and to cultivate authenticity, joy and belonging. (Brené Brown, 44) Through story-telling, the survivors are compelling Canadians to listen and respond with deep compassion and to re-set relationships in a big way in this country.  This is our greatest opportunity to recognize shared history and our shared humanity.   These stories are a gift and will help us to shape our shared future.

Thomas Moore before and after his entrance into the Regina Indian Residential School in Sasketchewan in 1874. image: Library and Archives Canada/NL-022474
Thomas Moore before and after his entrance into the Regina Indian Residential School in Sasketchewan in 1874. image: Library and Archives Canada/NL-022474

Through statement gathering at national or regional events and at TRC Community Hearings, former students, their descendants and anyone who has been affected by the Residential Schools legacy, had an opportunity to share their individual experiences in a safe and culturally supportive environment.   The TRC concluded its last community hearing in March 2014 and has collected more than 6, 200 statements.

Almost all of them were video-and-audio-recorded and range from a few minutes to a few hours.  The statements will be stored at the National Research Centre on Indian Residential Schools at the University of Manitoba.  Students, researchers and members of the public will be able to access the statements to learn about residential schools and the legacy they leave behind.

Reconcilation

As the TRC begins to reveal to Canadians the full and complete story of residential schools and inspire a process of reconciliation across this country, ordinary Canadians seem ill-equipped to make the journey from shame to empathy.  “We know the voices singing, screaming, wanting to be heard- but we don’t hear them because fear and blame muffle the sounds” (Brené Brown, 42)  We need to prepare ourselves to go to the dark corners of our history, so we can stand in the light together as equals.

In my next article, I will share with you more about empathy, how to practice empathy and why its essential to building meaningful and trustworthy relationships.) For the Silo, Leslie Cochran.

(Brené Brown, 42 and Brené Brown, 44) are taken from her first book “I thought it was just me.”

Award Winner Explains Women’s Money Emotions

Everyone has a relationship with money, but for women, it’s much more fraught with emotion, says Meriflor Toneatto.

When we avoid and ignore those emotions, we allow them to quietly guide our decision-making – which inevitably holds us back.

“Understanding our emotions, fears and doubts about money and how they affect our behavior can help us heal them so we can experience financial and personal freedom,” says Toneatto, an entrepreneur,  certified business and life coach, and author of  “Money, Manifestation & Miracles: 8 Principles for Transforming Women’s Relationship with Money.”  For women, money is an emotional currency. It’s tied to our sense of self-worth and self-confidence, and our feelings of safety and security. These feelings often translate into self-limiting decisions.

The effect can be profound. Consider female entrepreneurs:

“The number of women-owned U.S and Canada. businesses is growing 1.5 times faster than the national U.S. average, but a report from 2013 found that they’re still contributing less than 4 percent of overall business revenues, about the same as they were in 2007,” Toneatto says.

“Our businesses are smaller because we’re less likely than men to borrow in order to expand. We’re afraid to take financial risks,” she says citing a U.S. Department of Commerce report..

And in the corporate world:

Women comprise half the workforce, yet hold the majority of lower-wage jobs in the United States, according to the 2014 State of the Union address.

What are the emotions shaping so many of our decisions? Toneatto cites five:

Fear: The most common emotion among women is fear. With money, we fear not having enough of it; that we’ll lose it all and never get it back. Nearly including those according to the 2013 Women, Money and Power Study.

And we fear an abundance of money. We may fail to negotiate a higher salary because we fear we can’t live up to it. Successful women may be reluctant to reach higher because we fear failure — and losing it all.

These fears often have roots in situations we were exposed worth. They send a strong signal that we need to root out their source and heal it.

Guilt: People who say things like, “I feel guilty when I spend instead of save” or “I never buy anything unless it’s on sale” have guilt feelings associated with money. These, too, are often rooted in the fears and messages we saw and heard in childhood about not having enough money. Many of us are natural nurturers who’ve gotten the message that “good” women are selfless, and so we may freely, even recklessly, spend on others while withholding from ourselves.

Shame: This painful emotion cuts whether worthy and deserving. We avoid talking about shame, and so it exerts control over us. With money, shame is commonly connected to amassing a lot of debt and hiding it because we fear being judged, humiliated, and disliked.

Anger: This emotion repels money, opportunities and people because it can leave us closed off emotionally and physically from others. It’s based in a belief in the unfairness of life and/or the unfairness of money. A person who becomes angry about money may be angry at herself for missing an opportunity or for mishandling money in the past. Anger can lead to trust issues and to over-protecting every cent – even hoarding money.

Blame: Anger and blame often go hand in hand. hand in hand. It stems from feeling disappointed or wronged because you believe your life would have been easier and/or better if someone – maybe parents or a spouse — had been able to provide you with more money. Blame can sabotage relationships with both people and money for years.

“At some point in our lives, we all have felt one or more of these emotions,” Toneatto says. “The good thing is, once you begin to recognize them, they’re like a flashing yellow ‘caution!’ light.”

About Meriflor Toneatto

Meriflor Toneatto is the founder and CEO of Power With Soul, a company dedicated to empowering female entrepreneurs and professionals by helping them transform their relationship with money. The author of “Money, Manifestation & Miracles: 8 Principles for Transforming Women’s Relationship with Money.” Toneatto holds a bachelor’s degree in public administration and management and graduate certifications in personal, professional and financial coaching. A former corporate executive, she is a recipient of the Amethyst Award for Excellence and Outstanding Achievement from the government of Ontario, Canada.

Supplemental- http://www.canadiangovernmentexecutive.ca/category/item/1283-and-the-amethyst-goes-to.html

Silo Book Spotlight- A Practical Guide to Emotional Intelligence

The Power Of Feelings CoverSmallFeelings are at the core of every social interaction. Anger, fear, and sadness are all very different concepts, but together they form part of an emotional compass that allows people to appropriately deal with each other in everyday situations. In short, unlocking the true power behind a person’s feelings – even challenging ones – is actually the key to clarity, love, and a happier life.  

As a way to help you understand your feelings and develop your own emotional intelligence, business coach, speaker, and bestselling author Vivian Dittmar has written the insightful book, The Power of Feelings: A Practical Guide to Emotional Intelligence.  In this groundbreaking work, Dittmar takes the reader on an introspective journey by examining the inner workings of the human mind and heart. She explains at length the difference between feelings and emotions, how each are created, why each has its own purpose, and why everything you “feel” is not always a feeling.

Divided into five easy-to-read sections, The Power of Feelings is a comprehensive guidebook with 12 self-assessment exercises for exploring your life. By working through these exercises, Dittmar ultimately teaches how understanding and harnessing the power behind your feelings are the keys to your emotional potential and intelligence.

In this fascinating and eye-opening book, Dittmar also reveals:

  •  The Five Powers of Anger, Sadness, Fear, Joy, and Shame: How each fulfills an important function in your life
  • Turning Negative Feelings Into Positive Forces: Why some feelings that are typically considered to be “bad” can be used to your benefit
  • Emotional Baggage: Some of the most effective ways to deal with past emotional issues
  • Blocks of Emotional Intelligence: Common causes of emotional imbalances
  • Living Feelings: How to incorporate conscious feelings into your daily life

VivianDittmarAuthorBanner

“When I felt it was time to write my first book, I took a look at what was on the market in the field of personal development and felt the greatest deficit was in the realm of feelings and emotions,” says Dittmar. “I had been emotionally challenged in my life and was unsatisfied with the answers I could find. This dissatisfaction caused me to start investigating the matter within me, with the people I worked with, and in seminars and groups. When it was time to write the book, we collected questions about feelings from people of all walks of life looking for the same answers. This material later became the first version of The Power of Feelings.”

Vivian Dittmar grew up on three continents in three different cultures. In doing so, she developed a unique perspective on humans and their interactions. Traveling between first, second, and third-world nations, she was struck by the contrast between people’s external wealth and their corresponding life issues. Her experiences led her to pursue a career in the fields of self-help and personal development.

Throughout her career, Dittmar has worked in Germany, Indonesia, Australia, Thailand, Costa Rica, Italy, Greece, and Sweden. In Indonesia, she ran her own practice working with clients from all backgrounds. She then returned to Europe and set up the non-profit, Be the Change Foundation for Cultural Change.  The foundation offers educational events to raise awareness about ecological and social justice issues.

Dittmar also works as a trainer and coach.  As a coach, she helps small and mid-sized business owners and executives develop their emotional intelligence. She is also the author of three successful books – the first of which has been translated from German into English, Italian, and Spanish. Dittmar currently lives between Germany and Italy and is a mother of two sons.

Books are available on VivianDittmar.com and Amazon.comE-books are also available on Kindle. Connect with Dittmar on Twitter.com and Facebook.com.