Tag Archives: relationships

How To Embrace Your Post Divorce Future

August 5, 2024 The Silo Leave a comment

The “D” word. Stressful right? When your divorce is finally final, how will you begin again?

The transition can be liberating for some, daunting for others. Mixed feelings – anger, relief, sadness, joy, fear and uncertainty – are common and may take time to sort out.

Meanwhile, the clock on your new life is ticking, and regardless of your emotions, it is time for a freedom-inspired relaunch, says Jacqueline Newman, a Manhattan-based divorce lawyer and author of Soon To Be Ex: A Guide to Your Perfect Divorce & Relaunch (www.Jacquelinenewman.com).

The divorce proceedings – all the time spent with your attorney and in court, all the hours burned while considering highly emotional and financial factors, from the impact on your children to the division of assets – put a big part of your life on hold, not to mention a major strain on it. And now with the difficult process over, Newman says, it is important to focus on creating a brand new you.

“The last umpteen months have been about your kids, your ex, and your divorce,” says Newman, “thus, a little ‘me’ time is in order. Here is an opportunity to be free from having to answer to anyone but yourself. So live your life to its fullest.”

Newman’s message is that divorce does not have to be the worst thing that could have happened to you.

There are silver linings as you begin to take control of what you can, and she offers three tips on how to relaunch after a divorce.

• Treat yourself. Right out of the divorce gate, buy something meaningful for yourself. Lose the guilt your ex made you feel for spending on clothes or expensive shoes. Your gift could be something symbolic and therapeutic that fires a shot back at your ex. “I would absolutely recommend you buy yourself a divorce present of some kind,” Newman says. “You deserve it. One woman I represented was constantly mocked by her husband during their marriage for being flat-chested. It is easy to guess what she bought as soon as her cash payment cleared.”

• Embrace single hood. This does not mean you have to hug your first post-divorce dinner partner. It means embracing a new stage of discovery, with the different, interesting people you meet while dating becoming part of your growth. Newman recommends online dating as a way to “relearn how to date.” Many newly divorced people feel insecure about dating, but Newman suggests learning about people outside your comfort zone. And rather than trying to focus on finding Mr. or Mrs. Right, Newman says, “Give yourself some time to look around and meet different types of people. You may learn something that can broaden your perspective on life. If you can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as opportunities for growth, then you can start being more accepting with the outcome of each relationship.”

• Expand your freedom. Use your new windows of time to catch up with friends you have not seen. Newman recommends Facebook as an easy way to reconnect. On weekends when the ex has the kids, strengthen your friendship circle and broaden it. Explore and re-discover yourself. Pursue new hobbies or renew ones you did not have as much time for in marriage. Advance your career. “Your post-divorce life is offering you a chance to go after the promotion you have been dreaming about,” Newman says.

By doing the things you long wanted to do, you can find the new you.

“You are free to be who you are without judgment from a spouse,” Newman says, “and to do whatever you want. Learn to love yourself.” For the Silo, Cathy K. Hayes.

Supplemental– Silo archives: break up jewelry

Culture

Why Men Are Losing Battle Of The Sexes

November 23, 2022 The Silo Leave a comment

“YOUNG WOMAN SCAMS LOVE STRUCK ELDERLY MAN OUT OF $200,000” Headlines like this would be comical if they weren’t so sad – and numerous.

“Just Google and you’ll find all kinds of news stories about men who willingly give up their cash, their luxury cars, even an ex-wife’s diamond ring,” as in the Elk Grove case, says Charles D. Martin, author of “Provocateur,” (www.provocateurbook.com), a novel about smart, beautiful women and the power they wield over men.

Approximate net worth at time of marrying? $500,000,000 #kaching — Approximate net worth at time of marrying? $500,000,000usd

“As men, we never like to admit that we may be outsmarted by a woman – but the truth is, it is happening all the time!” And it’s getting worse, for men.

“Women are far outpacing men in numbers of college degrees. They now outnumber men, earning almost 60 percent of college degrees,” Martin says. “And while that doesn’t necessarily make them ‘smarter’ than men, it sure does add to their advantage.” In addition women have other (obvious) advantages.

Taking the power back! Author Charles D. Martin

“In the presence of a sexy woman, men lose their ability to think or act rationally,” Martin says. “

That’s an enormous advantage for women! Men do not realize that it is women that are in charge of the mating process.” How can men level the playing field? Martin has some suggestions:

• Recognize the predator –and the prey. If you are an older gentlemen, particularly one with some status or affluence and a young, attractive woman comes on to you be on guard. She probably has nefarious, not amorous, motives. Keep your pants zipped and your wallet stowed until you are totally persuaded that her affection for you is genuine.

• Remember, they don’t have to be young to be dangerous. The woman arrested in the Elk Grove, Calif., case was 30 years old. There are also recent news stories about a 54-year-old woman stealing more than $85,000 from a 93-year-old man, promising him a “big payoff.” In another case, a 45-year-old woman had a 60-year-old man paying for her elective surgeries, limousines, even a $1,000 dog. She was arrested in December. “They may be moms or grandmoms, but they’re still women,” Martin says.

• Even if you are happily married, you are still vulnerable. Beware the “perfect storm,” which occurs as a man ages and tries to hang on to his virility, just as his high school sweetheart is also showing signs of wear. That makes him vulnerable to a younger female with ulterior motives. If a sexy woman comes on to you, get away fast. These “Provocateurs” can get the best of you in a nanosecond.

About Charles D. Martin

Charles Martin runs a hedge fund, Mont Pelerin Capital, LLC, and serves on the investment committees of prominent universities. An established business writer, his first novel focuses on the intrigue that often exists between alpha females that take on – and conquer – dominant males. Martin lives with his wife in a coastal town south of Los Angeles. For the Silo, Ginny Grimsley.

Culture

Canada’s Truth And Reconciliation Commission

September 30, 2022 The Silo 1 Comment

[This article was first published by The Silo on April 22, 2014] On June 10, 2009, the Honourable Justice Murray Sinclair, Marie Wilson and Chief Wilton Littlechild were appointed as Commissioners to the Truth and Reconciliation Commission of Canada (TRC), a component of the Indian Residential Schools Settlement Agreement.

Canada’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission is unique from other commissions around the world in that its scope is primarily focused on the experiences of children and its research spans more than 150 years (one of the longest durations ever examined). It is also the first court-ordered truth commission to be established and most notable, the survivors themselves set aside 60 million dollars of the compensation they were awarded to help establish the TRC.

Over the course of its 5 year mandate, one of the main tasks of the Commission is to create an accurate and public historical record of the past regarding the policies and operations of the former residential schools, what happened to the children who attended them, and what former employees recall from their experiences.

It is difficult for Canadians to accept that the policy behind the government funded, church run schools attempted to “kill the Indian in the child”. The violent underpinnings of the policy challenge the way we think about Canada, and call into question our national character and values. We have been taught to believe that we are a peaceful nation, glorious and free.

The residential school legacy shines a light in our darkest corners, where we feel most vulnerable.

Over 130 Residential Schools were located across Canada, with the last one closing in 1996. More than 150,000 First Nations, Métis and Inuit children as young as five years old were forcibly removed from their families and placed in institutions that shamed their languages, customs, families, communities, traditions, cultures and history. In essence, they were not allowed be themselves and denied the love and belonging owed to all children.

While some former students had positive experiences at residential schools, many suffered emotional, physical and sexual abuse, and others died while attending these schools. Other lessons in trauma included assimilating children to gender roles, non-skilled labour and religion to prepare them for future integration. For the parents left behind, the worst lessons in shame, grief, loss and disconnection. Whole societies were undone.

In addition to creating the public historical record of the past, the survivors also tasked the Commission to reveal to Canadians the full and complete story.

What were they thinking? Why should it matter to ordinary Canadians?

Here’s why: When we tell our stories we change the world. When we don’t tell our stories we miss the opportunity to experience empathy and to cultivate authenticity, joy and belonging. (Brené Brown, 44) Through story-telling, the survivors are compelling Canadians to listen and respond with deep compassion and to re-set relationships in a big way in this country. This is our greatest opportunity to recognize shared history and our shared humanity. These stories are a gift and will help us to shape our shared future.

Thomas Moore before and after his entrance into the Regina Indian Residential School in Sasketchewan in 1874. image: Library and Archives Canada/NL-022474

Through statement gathering at national or regional events and at TRC Community Hearings, former students, their descendants and anyone who has been affected by the Residential Schools legacy, had an opportunity to share their individual experiences in a safe and culturally supportive environment. The TRC concluded its last community hearing in March 2014 and has collected more than 6, 200 statements.

Almost all of them were video-and-audio-recorded and range from a few minutes to a few hours. The statements will be stored at the National Research Centre on Indian Residential Schools at the University of Manitoba. Students, researchers and members of the public will be able to access the statements to learn about residential schools and the legacy they leave behind.

As the TRC begins to reveal to Canadians the full and complete story of residential schools and inspire a process of reconciliation across this country, ordinary Canadians seem ill-equipped to make the journey from shame to empathy. “We know the voices singing, screaming, wanting to be heard- but we don’t hear them because fear and blame muffle the sounds” (Brené Brown, 42) We need to prepare ourselves to go to the dark corners of our history, so we can stand in the light together as equals.

In my next article, I will share with you more about empathy, how to practice empathy and why its essential to building meaningful and trustworthy relationships.) For the Silo, Leslie Cochran.

(Brené Brown, 42 and Brené Brown, 44) are taken from her first book “I thought it was just me.”

Culture

4 Ways To Fortify Your Marriage & Manage Your Differences

November 2, 2020 The Silo Leave a comment

Marriage is a complex, ever-evolving relationship that challenges partners to remain active in their efforts to maintain the relationship. While the components of a healthy relationship – passion, commitment and intimacy – may seem abstract, I have found specific actions through my practice as a clinical psychologist and marriage and family therapist that couples can do to prioritize their relationship and make it last.

• Continue or learn to communicate well. We all know to be polite to our bosses at work or strangers we meet, but it is often with those we are closest to that we slip into unhealthy habits of disrespect or inattentive listening. Most likely, at the point in your relationship when you plan to get married, you feel close and communicate well with your partner. It is over time that partners become busier, more distracted or simply make fewer efforts to communicate respectfully and openly with their spouses. But communication is a critical component to a healthy marriage. Couples must schedule time to check in with each other weekly. This “weekly check-in” may seem less necessary in the early years of marriage, but you will appreciate the habit later when work hours become longer and kids enter the picture. Use this time to coordinate schedules, check in about any issues in the relationship, and take time for each other away from technological distractions (that means no phones or TV in the background).

• Create a budget agreement. One of the most common areas of newlywed conflict is managing a joint budget. Even if you cohabitate with your partner before marriage, it is unlikely that you pooled all of your resources, and there is a lack of education about shared budgets. But money is important for your personal and relational well-being. Talk with your partner about your financial goals and concerns. Your spouse should be an equal partner in financial decisions. It is helpful for partners to regularly check in with each other about financial changes and decisions (you can easily incorporate this into your weekly check-ins). I advise couples to set a monthly personal budget – say $500 – that each partner can spend on individual expenses without consulting the other. If a partner wants to make a purchase that goes above the agreed-upon amount, he or she should wait until the other partner is consulted and agrees. By forming healthy spending habits and open communication about finances, partners can avoid one of the most common areas of marital conflict and feel closer as equals.

• Share responsibility for maintaining intimacy. In the early years of a relationship, intimacy seems to come naturally, so many partners take for granted the importance of actively maintaining a sense of emotional connection. This is not the responsibility of one partner, but a requirement that both spouses maintain an interest in fostering intimacy and keeping tabs on ways the other partner wishes to feel loved and cared for (because this does vary from person to person and over time). Date nights are a simple way to establish time to reconnect during a busy week, and they are essential in the early years of marriage and beyond. Take turns planning an evening for each other, and do not get trapped in thinking it has to be extravagant. If your lives are incredibly busy that week, find a time to relax at home or try to cook a new meal together.

Remember that human beings like novelty, so be willing to try new things together.

• Never be afraid to manage your differences. If I had to pick one major takeaway for couples considering marriage, it is to ensure that you are able to tell your partner when you are upset with him or her. That way your partner stands a chance of trying to fix the problem. Without this, resentment takes root and will continue to grow over time until it is addressed. This is so important because resentment often underlies any deficit in the previous points I made. It may sound basic, but it is often difficult for partners to place themselves in a vulnerable position where they can voice their concerns about the person closest to them. For couples to manage resentment, it is essential that partners create a safe conversational space where each can be heard and listen without feeling defensive or attacked. It is inevitable that you will have a different perspective than your partner at some point – whether regarding the family budget, division of household labor, or even the right way to show intimacy. Use any and every opportunity in the early years of marriage to practice talking with each other when one partner is upset with the other. Skills such as empathy, active listening and managing anger and frustration can be learned and need to be regularly utilized in couple conversation. For the Silo, Dr. Anne Brennan Malec.

Culture

DirtSearch Helps Members Spot Male And Female Gold Diggers

October 14, 2020 The Silo Leave a comment

On the heels of the Top 10 names of men who are likely to cheat on you, , a free background check that searches public, criminal, arrest, civil, speeding tickets and more has just released the Top 10 Female Gold Diggers and the list puts Jennifer on top.

Identity theft has been on the rise with 1 in 8 searches coming up with a criminal past, and with that comes a rise in ‘gold diggers’ or women who are just chasing the money, legally or not. DirtSearch.org pulled data from over 2 million background searches and looked closely at the female names most often searched. What came back was petty crimes such as personal property, vandalism and identity theft. Out of that list, the names that come up most often in the top 10 are Jennifer, Jessica and Michelle, followed by Lisa and Ashley.

Here are the Top 10:
1. Jennifer
2. Jessica
3. Michelle
4. Lisa
5. Ashley
6. Amanda
7. Melissa
8. Stephanie
9. Nicole
10. Angela

So if you are a man dating a woman ( or a woman dating a man or a man dating a man or a woman dating a woman) and are questioning if maybe your girl has a shady past or are a qualified ‘gold digger’ just after your bank account, here are ways to tell your girl is a Gold Digger or make sure she is not on the ‘dirty’ list:

1. A sense of entitlement: She thinks she is a princess and has no long-term or short-term goals. Search her first name and last name anonymously on a background search site such as DirtSearch.org. Sites such as that one searches through online public records based on an algorithm and aggregates data across the internet to find what is listed online.

2. Trouble paying their bills: Gold diggers drop hints that they may be evicted or their car might be repossessed when instead they are buying $400 shoes and watches.

3. Age range: The girl is 30 years younger than you but tells you that she is 15 years younger.

4. She never pays for anything.

5. She is into expensive and lavish gifts. The girl asks you to pay for nails, hair and lavish trips.

6. They indulge in a pipe dream: She is constantly talking about becoming an actress or a model.

The company also earlier released 10 U.S. states where background checks are most prevalent. The Top 10 States are as follows:
Arizona
California
Texas
Florida
Illinois
New York
Pennsylvania
Ohio
Michigan
Georgia

For the Silo, Ana Tackett.

Reviews

How To Win At Dating In Your Twenties

June 26, 2020 The Silo Leave a comment

Dating in your 20’s can be downright tough these days. A lot of times it’s all about “hooking up” or becoming “friends with benefits”, both which replace the notion of dating as a prelude to a long- term relationship or even saying “I do”. On paper, avoiding commitment seems like a good idea – remaining friends can protect you from the things that tear most couples apart – jealousy, cheating, heartbreak…but what happens when your ”hookup” becomes the one person you can’t live without? Set in the damp and drizzly neighborhoods of Portland, Oregon author Rebecca Kelley’s fun and quirky literary debut, Broken Homes and Gardens [Blake Slate Press] reveals what happens when you toe that fine line between friends and “more”.

Not exactly on-again, off-again, Malcolm and Joanna are in-again, out-again: in love, out of each other’s arms, in an awkward co-living arrangement, out of the country. Their unconventional relationship is the only way, Joanna says, to protect herself from the specter of commitment, which inevitably leads to heartbreak. A When Harry Met Sally meets Portlandia for the Millennial generation, Broken Homes and Gardens is an ode to friendship, lust, and the unrelenting pull of love. It will appeal to readers who love romance, quirky humor, and stories that offer a deeper and sometimes darker look into the risks we take for love.

“Throughout literary history, romantic involvements for young women have been treated as a problem with an easy answer: find the right man, marry him,” says Rebecca, “but I believe the period of early adulthood is not focused only on long-term coupling and knot tying. Many women I know – myself included – were involved in one or two long-term relationships in their 20’s. The struggles of dealing with their ending, and the aftermath, had an enormous impact on our development as women, and an even greater impact on future relationships.”

A contemporary tale full of wry humor, convincing dialogue, and emotional twists and tangles, Broken Homes and Gardens touches upon the following themes:

•     The often messy, complicated, confusing and passionate twenty-something love, both in literature and life
•     A unique look at the melting pot that is Portland, OR, known as the place where “young people go to retire”
•     The “Hookup” Culture: the troubles with 21st century dating and love
•     An honest look at “friends with benefits” – does it ever really work?
•     Broken homes – literally and figuratively

“My heroine in Broken Homes and Gardens undergoes some relationships in her late teens and early twenties that shake her belief in love so firmly that she decides marriage is not the answer to any of her problems,” adds Rebecca. “Joanna’s approach to her relationship with Malcolm isn’t optimistic but it’s rational. It’s understandable. And I think her story speaks to many of us.”

For the Silo, Erin MacDonald-Birnbaum.

Reviews

What We Learn From The Death Of A Spouse And How To Find Love Again

September 23, 2019 The Silo 2 Comments

He had no idea his life would change so significantly……For 31 years, Dennis and Hope Freed had a fulfilling marriage. They raised a family, built a home, and shared their dreams with one another and their two sons.

Then Hope got cancer, and their lives changed drastically overnight. She fought a long brave battle, and went through over 250 chemotherapy treatments, but on April 7, 2012, on an evening that heralded Passover in the United States and Easter in Israel, she died.

Dennis Freed’s beloved wife and best-trusted friend had gone, leaving him alone to figure out a future he’d never imagined. For the first year, he sorted through what society expected of a long-term caregiver and widower. Eventually, Dennis emerged from mourning, his heart ready for life’s next chapter. Is there love after marriage?

In Love, Loss and Awakening, Dennis Freed tells the story of how he began to go out with women again. He shares the reality of dating at age 50-plus—how he endured the awkward and hilarious encounters and embarrassments a man experiences when he hasn’t been on a date with a new woman for decades. Dennis’s book chronicles how one finds love after the death of a spouse. He describes his courageous and uplifting journey through sorrow, his search for new love, and his rediscovery of love and happiness.

Drawing upon the wisdom and personal experiences he acquired dating middle-aged women in all the wrong places, Freed takes the mystery out of the many lessons he learned. Dennis found out that as a widow or widower you can find love again, but it’s a difficult road. Love isn’t unique to the person you loved first. That love never fades, but your heart has room for more. You can get love back in your life. Your new love becomes a special love in its own right.

Here are just a few of the valuable insights:

Hole Heart/ Whole Heart

When you lose your best, most trusted friend, the hardships just begin. You are now alone. Your whole heart collapses to half its size. It transforms into a Hole Heart. The process of resurrecting it to wholeness is like Lego construction, built one little brick at a time. At first, bricks of varying shapes and sizes are sorted through and meticulously placed. Slowly they assume the weight and shape of your newly imagined Whole Heart.

Learn How to Be Physical, Affectionate, and Intimate

You spent thirty-plus years kissing no one but your spouse. If you spend your time worrying about the “what if” instead of enjoying the right now, it will rob you of your joy today. Sometimes you just have to learn something new, like all the kissing pleasures one never experienced. It’s not such a bad idea. Understand that it takes time and practice, and that each person you meet is unique. You’ll make hurtful intimacy mistakes just like a teenager. You’ll make stupid and inconsiderate mistakes. It’s a fact. Practice and learn so that when the right person comes along, you’ll be ready.

A Hundred Bottles of Beer on the Wall

You are going to date a lot of people. It is okay to be sad, mad, depressed, empty, lost after a date that isn’t perfect. Embrace the journey! Feel! Live it! Then get on to the next one so your failures don’t consume you. Have fun searching. Let your dating escapades become the target of jokes for your friends. Entertain them with style!

Love, Loss and Awakening

Dennis P. Freed

List $ 12.95US

88 pages, trade softcover, also available in ebook version

ISBN 978-0-9971916-1-5

Tolawaken Press

The death of a loved one is devastating, and can leave us questioning our new path. Will I ever want to find love again, and if so, how do I find it? What’s appropriate behavior for a widowed fifty-four-year-old? Should I explore dating sites? Meet women in bars? Rely on introductions from friends? The questions far outnumber the answers. In Love, Loss and Awakening, Dennis Freed shares his experiences and his journey to new love and the rediscovery of happiness.

For more information, visit www.LoveLossandAwakening.com

About the Author

Dennis P. Freed is a native of Brooklyn, New York, and, from age three, grew up in Oceanside, Long Island, where he later raised his family. He earned a BS in Civil Engineering at the University of Rhode Island. After a stint as a structural engineer, he entered the Construction Management and Development profession in New York City, where he has led teams to construct and develop more than sixty-five buildings. Also an associate professor at Pratt University in New York, he teaches Construction Management to architecture students.

What People Are Saying

“Love, Loss, and Awakening is an engaging story of how one man bounces back after losing the love of his life. It is an ode to the power of being in relationship, especially when faced with incredibly difficult and heartbreaking loss. And it is with much humor that Dennis Freed takes the reader on a journey to find what we are all looking for to be joyous and fulfilled in relationship.”

—Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D., Creators of Imago Therapy and authors of Getting the Love You Want

“This is a story of digging deep after loss, finding that being with another is worth the risk, and staying open to lessons both human and Divine. At times an excruciating memoir of living with cancer, at others, a combination of ‘How To’ and, more useful, ‘How NOT To’ of middle-aged dating. Those who have loved deeply will be reminded of what they have or have lost; for others, it’s the promise of how good a relationship can be. The book has a happy ending, yet acknowledges that seeking love must always include a willingness to lose again.”

—Cynthia Wall, LCSW, author of The Courage to Trust: A Guide to Building Deep and Lasting Relationships

“Get ready to cry, laugh, cringe, and howl with wonder and delight as you go through Dennis Freed’s amazing experiences after the loss of his wife. He offers heartfelt real-life insights on how to cope with the despair and overcome the pain so you can face the world and find love and happiness anew.”

—Paul J. Krupin, author of Words People Love to Hear Simple Verbal Recipes for Making the People Around You Feel Good

Culture

Letters To The Silo, Life Is A Hassle So Tell Your Story

September 18, 2019 The Silo Leave a comment

> Dear Silo, It’s your life.
> You are the star of your own movie, it’s as important as that of the billionaire and the celebrity, just don’t expect anybody else to watch it or care about it.
>
> Social media is where you connect and share with your friends, if you’re doing it to brag and establish a career, you’re doing it wrong.
>
> Friends are everything. Build your crew. Share your ideas. Laugh. If your buds are unsatisfying, feel free to bring in new blood, or to graduate all together. But accolades without a posse to enjoy them are worthless.
>
> Money is irrelevant. Not if you don’t have enough, then that’s unfortunate and it’s all you can think about. But if you can pay for food, health and shelter, don’t nickel and dime, at the end of your life you’ll realize it’s just not worth it. Give a few extra percentage points as a tip. Lend money and don’t ask for it back. Pay the fee to put your bag underneath the plane as opposed to schlepping it on board. Being cheap only hurts yourself.
>
> You’re your own hero. The truth is everybody else is just as clueless as you. Don’t look up to anyone else, just build your confidence, and know that everybody’s unsure of the path.
>
> Having said that, everyone has expertise in different areas, it’s the nature of life. You’ll find if you share your dilemmas with others they’ll have loads of insight and will help you navigate what you find so challenging.
>
> Your experience is all that matters, and when you’re gone it evaporates with you.
>
> The government can’t protect you from the scam. Maybe after the fact it can help you claw some money back, but the truth is deception and even fraud are the cornerstones of even the biggest businesses. Just try to cancel a service… It’s nearly impossible. Better yet, try to renegotiate your cable bill. You’ll spend hours on the phone and only few will get a great deal. Buying a car has been democratized by the internet, but signing up, canceling and adjusting your cable bill is akin to the wild west.
>
> Don’t let the testosterone get you. Feel free to say no to the group. Get guys together and one will propose the outrageous and the others will be afraid to be labeled wimps and will go along with what might be dangerous. It takes a lot to say no, but if your insides tell you to, do so.
>
> And just because your fellow travelers in estrogen tell you you’re beautiful and rally around you when your romantic life is challenged, don’t think they’ve got accurate insight into guys. Sure, there are cads, players and manipulators, never mind those who don’t follow through. But the truth is most men are clueless and moldable. If there’s a spark, feel free to text and call them, you’re in the driver’s seat…unless you place all your faith in testosterone and go where your man goes, but that might leave you in a bad place, just like the guys above.
>
> Buy something if you’re gonna use it, don’t buy it to show it off. The truth is no one cares.
>
> Tell your story. Women are good at this, men are bad at this, fearful of appearing weak. But once you tell somebody the way that you feel…you’ve got the opportunity for them to respond in a warm, understanding way and you’ll feel connected, which is the ultimate desire of all people on this planet.
>
> Life is a hassle. You’ll lose and be hurt and despite having plenty of people to blame, you won’t get compensation, or if you do it won’t make up for your loss. Accept this. Plans will get broken, as will you. You can stay at home and never go out or you can enter the world and have unexpected, great experiences, but you’ll be exposed to greater danger. Life is a risk. If you’re playing it safe, it’s pretty damn boring.
>
> Work is about fulfillment more than money. Don’t envy those who don’t work, they’re empty and unsatisfied at the core. Try to have a job you love, but don’t assume just because you’re passionate about it you’ll get rich. But it’s okay to have a mediocre job to support your hobbies. Just don’t have a mediocre job and a mediocre life.
>
> Change happens. The journey to the other side will be painful. But you’ll always end up in a better spot, as long as you can let go of the past.
>
> Don’t be vindictive. Don’t try to get even. No one is keeping score and the longer you try to settle scores the more time you’re losing in life.
>
> Relationships are not about love but commitment, never forget it.
>
> Divorce may be necessary, but it will haunt you forever.
>
> Children center your life, they give you something to live for, they give you purpose. But don’t have them with someone who is unwilling to make themselves subservient to your progeny.
>
> Most of what popular culture will tell you is important is not. Enjoy that movie, follow politics, but if you think it amounts to a hill of beans you’re too deep in the weeds. Records and movies come and go. Who is President will affect you, via Supreme Court decisions if nothing else, but what’s in the news every day is about selling advertising.
>
> The older you get, the less you know. When someone is sure, they’re usually young or insecure.
>
> He who is famous today is forgotten tomorrow. If you’re doing it to be remembered, you won’t.
>
> Lefsetz…………..
> —
> Visit me: http://lefsetz.com/wordpress/
> —
> http://www.twitter.com/lefsetz

Supplemental- “Prometheus”: The Human Struggle

Culture

Ways To Retrain And Put Your Adult Brain Back In Charge

March 20, 2019 The Silo Leave a comment

Jungian Psychology uses art-therapy, dreams and imagery in mapping personal and collective unconscious, archetypes and complexes. Jung believed that there were fears and thoughts that children and adults exhibit that are "remarkably similar across time and culture" (allpsych.com) image: skycladtherapist.files.wordpress.com — Jungian Psychology uses art-therapy, dreams and imagery in mapping personal and collective unconscious, archetypes and complexes. Jung believed that there were fears and thoughts that children and adults exhibit that are “remarkably similar across time and culture” (allpsych.com) image: skycladtherapist.files.wordpress.com

The human brain is a wonder of the universe, but our understanding of it can seem contradictory, says Steven Jay Fogel, author of the book Your Mind Is What Your Brain Does for a Living.

“On the one hand, we’re often told of those crucial years that our brain develops in childhood, when we’re rapidly progressing in development of our language and other skills, and our preadolescent and teenage years, when our brains undergo a sort of second Big Bang of learning,” says Fogel, (www.StevenJayFogel.com).

“But although it may seem that the brain is pretty much set by adulthood, it remains malleable throughout adulthood; it continues to change as we learn and adapt.”

Most of us are unaware that elements of our inner child’s development are constantly tugging at us, and we don’t have a clue that it’s happening, he says. In Jungian therapy there’s a concept called the dark side, or shadow side, the place in our unconscious to which certain feelings and thoughts are banished because they don’t support our image of ourselves, he says.

Steven Jay Fogel is a longtime student of human behavior and development. — Steven Jay Fogel is a longtime student of human behavior and
development.

“That is our inner child responding to the emotional pain we experienced and interpreted with the limited understanding we had when we were very young. It continues to steer our reactions and behavior as adults, often in inappropriate ways,” Fogel says.

Awareness creates an opportunity for change. Fogel reviews how our adult brain can take command of the inner child:

• Recognize the elements of your self identity that keep you trapped. Our identity – how we want the world to see us – develops, in part, as a response to avoiding pain. Our identity may change from one situation to another (in the same way a chameleon changes its body color to match its surroundings) as we slip on the persona we believe is expected in a particular environment or social setting. This automatic behavior is the opposite of making mindful choices, and it robs us of the joy of living in the moment and inhibits spontaneity.

• Be aware of when you’re acting. Many of us live our lives as though we’re playing parts in various movies, navigating different storylines every day. You may be the righteous Clint Eastwood manager at work and then shift into the town drunk during happy hour, and later the loving husband and father during brunch the following weekend morning. When you’re playing these roles, you’re not in the present.

• Be skeptical of what the voice in your head may tell you. It’s not easy to recognize and quiet the mental chatter associated with the different roles we play. We’ve become so accustomed to the voice in our head, that we don’t realize its messages are programmed – and not necessarily the truth. Is your voice telling you to feel guilty? Ashamed? Angry? Is that rational? If not, it may be your inner child acting out of a childlike fear.

“Instead of simply responding to what we’re hardwired to think and react, we can hear, in mindful repose, those promptings as simply chatter,” Fogel says. “When you’re mindful, the inner child’s chatter can be seen for what it is, and you will be free to take a more mature directionin your day-to-day living.”

Steven Jay Fogel is a longtime student of human behavior and development; he has studied with psychologists, educators, and rabbinical scholars. Your Mind Is What Your Brain Does for a Living, (Greenleaf Book Group Press, 2014), is his third book. He is also the author of My Mind Is Not Always My Friend: A Guide for How to Not Get in Your Own Way (Fresh River Press, 2010) and The Yes-I-Can Guide to Mastering Real Estate (Times Books-Random House). For decades he has been an active participant in the human potential movement, inspiring and mentoring others to seek their true selves. Fogel is a principal and cofounder of Westwood Financial Corp., one of the largest owner-operators of retail properties in the United States. He is a licensed real estate broker and past chairman of the California Arts Council.

Supplemental- Synchronicity is the experience of two or more events that are apparently causally unrelated or unlikely to occur together by chance, yet are experienced as occurring together in a meaningful manner. The concept of synchronicity was first described in this terminology by Carl Gustav Jung, a Swiss psychologist, in the 1920s.
The concept does not question, or compete with, the notion of causality. Instead, it maintains that just as events may be grouped by cause, they may also be grouped by meaning. A grouping of events by meaning need not have an explanation in terms of cause and effect.

Culture

Roar And Embrace Your Inner Cougar

August 13, 2018 The Silo Leave a comment

Xandra "Sunny" Moon, author of “The Power of the Titz…a woman’s journey back to her self” — Xandra “Sunny” Moon, author of “The Power of the Titz…a woman’s journey back to her self”

It’s not hard for women in midlife to feel like they belong to the Island of Broken Toys, says Xandra “Sunny” Moon, a self-described liberated, 18-wheeler-driving, 40-plus babe.

“There are thousands of beautiful mothers, wives and ex-wives out there who feel like they’ve lost their sexuality – I know because they tell me as I travel the country and get to know them,” says Moon, author of “The Power of the Titz…a woman’s journey back to her self”(www.sunnymoonspowerworld.com). “My mission is to let them know they can get it back!”

Like the many of the women she meets in her travels, Moon suffered physical and emotional abuse as a young woman. After raising four children and enduring an unhappy marriage for several years, she fell into a deep depression, she says. But several steps took her out of despair, and by the time she climbed out, she was happy, confident and back in touch with Sunny, she says.

Moon lists the ways in which women 40 and older can rediscover their “inner babe:”

• Embrace your sexuality!: It’s not just a “Mrs. Robinson” stereotype – older women do make for better, more participatory sexual partners. Older women have more self-possession; they’re not as callow and tend to have more character both in personality, intrigue and in sexual performance. Women 40 and older are also more forthright, which can be a major turn-on, especially for younger men in need of direction.

Younger women are still deciding what sex means to them, whereas older women are more likely to appreciate it for its own sake.

• Education and employment: Perhaps the most important vehicle for Moon’s self-empowerment is her continuing education. Gaining her GED and furthering her education at a university allowed her to support herself with a good job. Past generations of women were overwhelmingly reliant upon their husbands for financial support.

Having your own income allows women the power to choose their relationships, and not remain stuck in one.

• Remember your old social life?: A big part of relocating your inner diva is remembering the good times you had as a teen and 20-something – back when you had your first appletini, your first date at a fancy restaurant and, yes, your first day-long hangover.

In many ways, these things are like new again. Under-appreciated mothers and wives tend to live primarily for others, but now it’s time to reclaim those fun nights out with the girls and catch some time for yourself.

• Cosmetic surgery: This is still a touchy subject for many ladies. Moon’s first rule is to have cosmetic surgery only for yourself – not for someone else, and to ensure you are in good enough health to withstand the rigors involved with surgery. Other important considerations include realistic expectations, potentially catty responses from girlfriends, short- and long-term consequences, such as time off work and maintenance, and whether or not you really want larger breasts or a botoxed brow.

• Dating outside your comfort zone: Maybe now is the time to consider other types of partners — perhaps those of a different ethnicity or maybe even a different gender. Now is the time to be adventurous and explore new avenues.

• Health/Diet/Exercise: Of course, feeling and looking attractive is important to you – so be healthy! Nothing is better at giving ladies that can-do attitude than a nice workout. Being selective about what you eat is as important as being selective about who you date; you want a lover and diet that will treat you right.

“We have but one life,” says Lee Abzu, Moon’s second husband, soul mate and coauthor to her books.

“If you’re single and in your 40s, 50s, 60s or older, you can either wait around for the kids or grandkids to come by and visit, or you can get out there and regain the vitality and lust for life you used to have.”

About Xandra “Sunny” Moon

Xandra “Sunny” Moon is a survivor who came into her own after age 40. As a younger woman, she endured rape, unlawful imprisonment, mental and emotional abuse, and divorce. She has worked 14 years as a truck driver, during which she has spoken with thousands of woman near or at midlife.

After raising her four children, she continued her education at Idaho State University and eventually married her second husband and soul mate, Lee Abzu. She now counsels women who are seeking rebirth. For the Silo, Ginny Grimsley.

Culture

Saddle Up With Your 200 New BFFs In New Advice Book

May 17, 2018 The Silo Leave a comment

Women’s Studies scholar Becca Anderson has gathered the wisdom from a chorus of fabulous femmes for this one-of-a-kind advice book. From housewives to Hollywood starlets, from standup comedians to startup entrepreneurs, from feminists to Facebook queens, these badass women offer unvarnished and unabashed opinions about love, life, word, men, and sex and share their very frank and forthright thinking on the wild world of relationships.

This delightfully dishy gathering of gal pals is like having a heart-to-heart with 200 of your closest friends. Garrulous girls and loquacious ladies from every walk of life unleash their wicked wit in this humorous and enlightening compilation and tell it like it is.

Badass Women Give The Best Advice Book — Price: $15.95 usd
ISBN-13: 978-1633536937

Topics include What the World Needs Now, Love Hurts, Lost Love, and Are Men Really Necessary and cover sex, personal ads, blind dates, break ups, weddings, and the prerequisites for the perfect kiss.

Sidebars include quizzes, love and sex bucket lists and topics like “Size Really Does Matter,” and “Cry Me a River, The Weepiest Romantic Movies Ever.”

Wait, there’s more–true tales about wild women of yore that entertain as much as they enlighten.

From Anais Nin to Lily Tomlin, from Amy Bloom to Dorothy Allison, from Drew Barrymore to Chrissy Teigan and beyond, there’s no shortage of sass, sarcasm, or sizzle and a few shocks along the way! For the Silo, Brenda Knight.

What people are saying about Badass Women Give the Best Advice:

These bold bon mots are a solid roadmap for living a full love. I, for one, will be taking to heart all the advice from these very wise and wild women–silver screen queens, comediennes and brilliants writers. You actually can get what you want, provided you listen very closely.
Nina Lesowitz, author of The Party Girl Cookbook

“Sometimes we women need quotes and pick-me-ups to get motivated or to have our spirits lifted. Badass Women Give the Best Advice is a book for and about women (no men allowed!). This is not a book that you read once and put away. It’s good as a conversation starter or to refer to when you want to feel big on girl power. Oshun, the Yoruba goddess of love, sensuality, and beauty is just one of the women we learn about in this book. There’s also quick rundowns on writer Simone de Beauvoir, advocate Amelia Bloomer, and much more. So fun!”
Heck of a Bunch Blog

Culture

29 Years Young And On A Quest To Learn To Play The Guitar

August 18, 2014 The Silo 2 Comments

2daisyrock_electric_heart_guitar — The daisyrock debutante guitar, ready to break a few hearts

As a younger man, I was like a cat in a bag, probably not unlike most, scratching for meaning and adventure. So when I got the chance for a job teaching in the Bahamas, I decided to go for it. Before I went out to my post on the island of Andros, I stopped over in Nassau to meet with my cousin who lived there. She cooked me dinner, and afterward she showed me around her house. In the basement there was a sandy old guitar leaning against the wall. She didn’t play it anymore and suggested I take it out to the island. I told her I didn’t know how to play, didn’t know anything about music, and didn’t want to take it. But I took it anyway. That teaching job was a total washout, but that’s a story for another time. Six weeks later I was back in Canada, with no job for a year, living with my parents again as a 29 year-old. It was a difficult circumstance. For some reason, that old guitar made the trip back to Canada with me, and I remember it staring at me in my bedroom. I didn’t know E from G, but decided that for me to be in this situation, with this guitar, with the time to learn it, was some kind of important sign I needed to recognize. So I started taking lessons, once a week, at my local hometown music store. Like any beginner it was a struggle, but struggle I did, learning those Neil Young songs that all the kids start with. It was very liberating. A couple of years later I met a real nice girl—Lisa, a chiropractor. Definitely marriage material. I’d been seeing her for quite a while, and it was getting to that crux-time of commitment, where future plans need solidifying, lest a biological clock begin to ring too loudly.

I was keenly aware of my responsibilities and knew that I loved this girl, but I just wasn’t sure if I was ready or not. The soul-searching had been going on for weeks and the matter continued to be grey, and I’m certain she felt me creating a certain distance while I figured things through. It was at my house one day when decisiveness finally cleared a path through my tangled emotions. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to leave you” came out of my mouth. Lisa wasn’t in the house when I said that. Nobody was. But my guitar was sitting snugly in its stand, and it heard those words, and that was it. I broke up with Lisa the next day.

Such an important part of that decision was knowing my guitar playing would essentially stop if I went to the next level with her, and I was just starting to make real leaps in my ability, and had so much further to go since I’d started so late in my life. I couldn’t leave it behind now. The chapter was still being written. As much as I loved Lisa, I had to let her move on. Since then I’ve probably written 100 songs (definitely a couple about that situation), released a CD, cut my teeth in Nashville…too many things to mention. I’ve met so many great people and had so many great opportunities because of that guitar. The spirit and the energy surrounding it all is unparalleled. None of it would have been realized if I had different words for my guitar that day. As tough as it was, I know I made the right decision. Lisa is married and has a child now, and I feel really good about that.

For the Silo by John McIntosh (Speaking of Nashville, it really is true that you’ve got to “know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ‘em.” It’s a key to life. I’m reminded as well of a cameo in the Canadian road movie One Week. Tragically Hip frontman Gordon Downie is questioned by the protagonist: “How do you know if you’re really in love.” His answer is uncommonly succinct: “If you have to ask, you’re not.” Maybe the real question is: who, or what, do you love enough to live by? ed.)

Culture

New flirting concept FlipMe empowers Women to ‘make the first move’

May 15, 2012 The Silo Leave a comment

RachelDeAltoweb — Rachel DeAlto- flirting expert and brain behind the concept of FlipMe

May15, 2012– Introducing FlipMe, LLC—a revolutionary new way for women to flirt without providing their personal information, but before we get to that, Rachel DeAlto (flirting expert and the mastermind of FlipMe) offers her Top 5 Flirting Tips for Men: 1) Make the Approach – Flirting from afar should last about 1 minute. Take the initiative and start a conversation – even “Hi” works! 2) Play it Cool – Women definitely want to know you are interested, but we don’t want to feel like the last woman on Earth. Let us know you like us, but play a little cat and mouse along the way. 3) Pay Attention – It’s easy to get distracted, but try to give your full attention when you are just starting to get to know her. Listen to what she is saying and ask follow-up questions. 4) Stay Humble – You may be super successful and drive a fancy car, but don’t boast – it is a complete turn off. Let her figure it out on her own, and be impressed by your down to earth style. 5) Go Solo – We know you love your friends, and one day we might too! Until then, keep your boisterous buddies at bay while we get our flirt on.

Rachel DeAlto is a seasoned expert who has been featured on several television shows and programs and regularly teaches courses on flirting at The Learning Annex, America’s leading adult education center.

Radio show: www.webtalkradio.net/shows/the-naked-truth-about-dating/

What is FlipMe?

FlipMe Revolutionizes “How to Date” Rules & the Online Dating Scene and this popular flirting tool empowers Women to channel their inner coquette & make the first move.

How does it work?

– Give a prospective love interest a card with a sweet, sassy or sexy statement

– Log into your profile to see if he has responded

– Upon a response, connect and become intrigued with the new form of flirting

About FlipMe:

What FlipMe really is, is a philosophy. It’s here to say – let’s have fun again, and be confident. Get out there, meet people and make a connection. It’s breaking the ice made easy. You take charge of your dating life by giving your sassy, flirtatious side the perfect sidekick. FlipMe brings a casual confidence to meeting newpeople by offering a clever way to say “hi.” This stylish accessory is a simple and intriguing way to break the ice and let someone know you’re interested without divulging your personal details. When you purchase a pack, you get 30 cards, each with a unique code that lets the lucky recipient view your profile and send you messages. No one gets access unless you give them a card, and no one gets to see your personal information. It’s a safe, secure way to put the fun back in flirting. http://flipme.com/index.php

Katherine Fleischman for The Silo

The “D” word. Stressful right? When your divorce is finally final, how will you begin again?

Newman’s message is that divorce does not have to be the worst thing that could have happened to you.

By doing the things you long wanted to do, you can find the new you.

Supplemental– Silo archives: break up jewelry

“YOUNG WOMAN SCAMS LOVE STRUCK ELDERLY MAN OUT OF $200,000” Headlines like this would be comical if they weren’t so sad – and numerous.

“In the presence of a sexy woman, men lose their ability to think or act rationally,” Martin says. “

The residential school legacy shines a light in our darkest corners, where we feel most vulnerable.

What were they thinking? Why should it matter to ordinary Canadians?

Canada's 'biggest little blogspace'