Happiness…..I popped the pink pill into my mouth and waited for the expected feelings of ecstasy. No, the pill wasn’t the drug XTC, but rather a legal and safe “hacking” alternative. Then I put on my trans-cranial stimulation device, known as “The Thync,” and waited to see what happened. Wow! After five minutes, it felt like my brain was flooding me with endorphins. Finally, I placed the scalp stimulator known as the Tingler on my head. When I did this, an orgasmic wave of intense pleasure rippled through my entire body.
After a few minutes of this euphoria, I took off the devices and went about my day. Having just been catapulted into sweet ecstasy, my day became both incredibly productive and happy.
This is not a future scenario.
This is how I like to start my mornings. Nowadays, there are new and improved ways to feel good-even ecstatic-that most people don’t know anything about. In an age when depression is rampant and dangerous drug use is epidemic, amazing new ways to feel peaceful, euphoric, and just plain happy are popping up all over the place. However, people miss out on these amazing methods because they simply don’t know about them. From safe drugs to “happy apps,” to high tech brain stimulation devices, a whole new world of ways to feel good is blossoming.
We live in an age where everything is shifting and accelerating. Yet, most people still pursue an ancient path for finding happiness. Their formula for being happy is to try to control all the external events and people in their lives to be exactly the way they want. This is a tiresome activity at best, and there are always some events and people that we can’t control. However, there is a new model for finding more joy and peace of mind: find it within your self. Of course, this is a not a new idea. Everyone from the Buddha to Jesus has said that heaven can be found within, but now there are cutting edge and more efficient ways to tap into this magical inner kingdom.
As invited to talk to Google employees about “The Future of Happiness.” I described new ways to control their minds and emotions that were more effective than trying to be happy by controlling all the events in their life. The reaction was intense. Everyone wanted to know what some of these innovative ways to “hack happiness” were, and how they could get them. That led me to write a book on the subject.
In my research I learned that different things work for different people.
For example, there are a lot of supplements known as “cognitive enhancers” that can dramatically increase your focus, energy, and mood. Yet, you have to try out many of them in order to find the one or two that really rock your world. I also learned that people define happiness in unique ways. Some people want a gadget that increases their pleasure, while other folks want a tool that improves their relationships or makes them feel totally peaceful.
Gary Numan “Complex” from The Pleasure Principle
As with all technologies, “inner” tech keeps getting better. In fact, some of them are so good that it’s possible to get addicted to them. Ultimately, one has to discern whether a given gadget is truly a friend that helps them find the joy within–or is just another WMD-Widget of Mass Distraction. Since there are many tools that do different things, there’s no simple answer as to whether something is beneficial to you.
For example, people become addicted and dependent on coffee. Yet, on the other hand, caffeine can prevent many types of cancer, and helps people feel good and be productive. So, is coffee a “good” thing? It’s up to you to decide…
In my own case, I decide if a specific technology is truly my friend by asking myself two questions. First I ask myself, “Does this tool lead me to being dependent on it?” It’s always better when technology acts like “training wheels” on a bike-meaning that the tool exists so that you can eventually do without it. If instead a gadget fosters a sense of dependence, then that’s a warning sign it may ultimately not be worth it.
The second question is, “Does this technology help teach me how to better connect with a sense of peace, love, or joy within?” Even the Dalai Lama has reportedly said that if there were a pill that duplicated Buddha’s awakening, he would take it immediately and prescribe it for all living beings. If a tool helps me learn how to get to a more peaceful, loving place more efficiently, I think that’s a good thing.
It’s hard to say exactly what the future holds, though Steve Jobs was seemingly pretty good at predicting it. In 1972 I had the unusual opportunity to be in a computer class with Steve Jobs. Of course, at the time he was just a nerdy teen and I was four years his junior. He and I would vie to play Tic-tac-toe on a 500 pound “computer” that our High School had recently purchased. Steve was obsessed with this machine. One day I asked Steve why he was so fixated on this refrigerator sized computer. He turned to me and said in an intense manner, “Don’t you see? This machine is going to change everything! It’s going to change the world!”
It turns out Steve Jobs was right.
Well, nowadays it may not seem like the latest brain supplement, neuro-stimulator, or mood enhancing app is going to change the world, but technology has a way of discreetly slipping into our lives. This “technology of joy” will only accelerate until the entire way we pursue happiness is transformed in the next few years. I’ve seen that when people try out enough of these new gadgets, apps, and supplements, they inevitably find something that feels good–and is even good for them. When that happens, their lives are never the same. For the Silo,Jonathan Robinson.
Marriage is a complex, ever-evolving relationship that challenges partners to remain active in their efforts to maintain the relationship. While the components of a healthy relationship – passion, commitment and intimacy – may seem abstract, I have found specific actions through my practice as a clinical psychologist and marriage and family therapist that couples can do to prioritize their relationship and make it last.
• Continue or learn to communicate well. We all know to be polite to our bosses at work or strangers we meet, but it is often with those we are closest to that we slip into unhealthy habits of disrespect or inattentive listening. Most likely, at the point in your relationship when you plan to get married, you feel close and communicate well with your partner. It is over time that partners become busier, more distracted or simply make fewer efforts to communicate respectfully and openly with their spouses. But communication is a critical component to a healthy marriage. Couples must schedule time to check in with each other weekly. This “weekly check-in” may seem less necessary in the early years of marriage, but you will appreciate the habit later when work hours become longer and kids enter the picture. Use this time to coordinate schedules, check in about any issues in the relationship, and take time for each other away from technological distractions (that means no phones or TV in the background).
• Create a budget agreement. One of the most common areas of newlywed conflict is managing a joint budget. Even if you cohabitate with your partner before marriage, it is unlikely that you pooled all of your resources, and there is a lack of education about shared budgets. But money is important for your personal and relational well-being. Talk with your partner about your financial goals and concerns. Your spouse should be an equal partner in financial decisions. It is helpful for partners to regularly check in with each other about financial changes and decisions (you can easily incorporate this into your weekly check-ins). I advise couples to set a monthly personal budget – say $500 – that each partner can spend on individual expenses without consulting the other. If a partner wants to make a purchase that goes above the agreed-upon amount, he or she should wait until the other partner is consulted and agrees. By forming healthy spending habits and open communication about finances, partners can avoid one of the most common areas of marital conflict and feel closer as equals.
• Share responsibility for maintaining intimacy. In the early years of a relationship, intimacy seems to come naturally, so many partners take for granted the importance of actively maintaining a sense of emotional connection. This is not the responsibility of one partner, but a requirement that both spouses maintain an interest in fostering intimacy and keeping tabs on ways the other partner wishes to feel loved and cared for (because this does vary from person to person and over time). Date nights are a simple way to establish time to reconnect during a busy week, and they are essential in the early years of marriage and beyond. Take turns planning an evening for each other, and do not get trapped in thinking it has to be extravagant. If your lives are incredibly busy that week, find a time to relax at home or try to cook a new meal together.
Remember that human beings like novelty, so be willing to try new things together.
• Never be afraid to manage your differences. If I had to pick one major takeaway for couples considering marriage, it is to ensure that you are able to tell your partner when you are upset with him or her. That way your partner stands a chance of trying to fix the problem. Without this, resentment takes root and will continue to grow over time until it is addressed. This is so important because resentment often underlies any deficit in the previous points I made. It may sound basic, but it is often difficult for partners to place themselves in a vulnerable position where they can voice their concerns about the person closest to them. For couples to manage resentment, it is essential that partners create a safe conversational space where each can be heard and listen without feeling defensive or attacked. It is inevitable that you will have a different perspective than your partner at some point – whether regarding the family budget, division of household labor, or even the right way to show intimacy. Use any and every opportunity in the early years of marriage to practice talking with each other when one partner is upset with the other. Skills such as empathy, active listening and managing anger and frustration can be learned and need to be regularly utilized in couple conversation. For the Silo, Dr. Anne Brennan Malec.