Tag Archives: marriage

How To Embrace Your Post Divorce Future

The “D” word. Stressful right? When your divorce is finally final, how will you begin again?

The transition can be liberating for some, daunting for others. Mixed feelings – anger, relief, sadness, joy, fear and uncertainty – are common and may take time to sort out.

Meanwhile, the clock on your new life is ticking, and regardless of your emotions, it is time for a freedom-inspired relaunch, says Jacqueline Newman, a Manhattan-based divorce lawyer and author of Soon To Be Ex: A Guide to Your Perfect Divorce & Relaunch (www.Jacquelinenewman.com).

The divorce proceedings – all the time spent with your attorney and in court,  all the hours burned while considering highly emotional and financial factors, from the impact on your children to the division of assets – put a big part of your life on hold, not to mention a major strain on it.  And now with the difficult process over, Newman says, it is important to focus on creating a brand new you.

“The last umpteen months have been about your kids, your ex, and your divorce,” says Newman, “thus, a little ‘me’ time is in order. Here is an opportunity to be free from having to answer to anyone but yourself. So live your life to its fullest.”

Newman’s message is that divorce does not have to be the worst thing that could have happened to you.

There are silver linings as you begin to take control of what you can, and she offers three tips on how to relaunch after a divorce.

     •    Treat yourself.  Right out of the divorce gate, buy something meaningful for yourself. Lose the guilt your ex made you feel for spending on clothes or expensive shoes. Your gift could be something symbolic and therapeutic that fires a shot back at your ex. “I would absolutely recommend you buy yourself a divorce present of some kind,” Newman says. “You deserve it. One woman I represented was constantly mocked by her husband during their marriage for being flat-chested. It is easy to guess what she bought as soon as her cash payment cleared.” Sexy White Lingerie for Bride Women's Lingerie Lace | Etsy

   •      Embrace single hood. This does not mean you have to hug your first post-divorce dinner partner. It means embracing a new stage of discovery, with the different, interesting people you meet while dating becoming part of your growth.  Newman recommends online dating as a way to “relearn how to date.” Many newly divorced people feel insecure about dating, but Newman suggests learning about people outside your comfort zone. And rather than trying to focus on finding Mr. or Mrs. Right, Newman says, “Give yourself some time to look around and meet different types of people. You may learn something that can broaden your perspective on life. If you can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as opportunities for growth, then you can start being more accepting with the outcome of each relationship.”  Cougar dating advice 1.

   •      Expand your freedom.  Use your new windows of time to catch up with friends you have not seen. Newman recommends Facebook as an easy way to reconnect. On weekends when the ex has the kids, strengthen your friendship circle and broaden it. Explore and re-discover yourself. Pursue new hobbies or renew ones you did not have as much time for in marriage. Advance your career. “Your post-divorce life is offering you a chance to go after the promotion you have been dreaming about,” Newman says. “Cougars” on the prowl in Colorado nightclubs – The Denver Post

By doing the things you long wanted to do, you can find the new you. 

“You are free to be who you are without judgment from a spouse,” Newman says, “and to do whatever you want. Learn to love yourself.”  For the Silo, Cathy K. Hayes. 

Supplemental– Silo archives: break up jewelry

 

 

Traditional Family Fades In Canada As Some Women Advocate For Revival

On her fridge door, along with numerous family pictures, Danielle Brandt has a handwritten quote by Dr. John Trainer: “Children are not a distraction from more important work. They are the most important work.”

A proud Calgary mother of three boys (Aiden, 10, Theodore, 4, and Silas, 2), Mrs. Brandt is a homemaker. Her husband, Adam Brandt, is the breadwinner. At the core of their parenting philosophy is the belief that strong families make strong societies, Mrs. Brandt says.

She was a music teacher before becoming a stay-at-home mom, but when she returned to work shortly after giving birth to her first child, she says she realized she wanted to be fully involved in raising her children.

“The idea that your identity is found at home with your family and not out in the world with your peers, and that your parents and your family are what matters first … that’s the reason I wanted to be home with my children.”

While Mrs. Brandt persists in adhering to her traditional role in the family, there is declining interest among young Canadian women to pursue the same path.

Canadians are “increasingly less likely” to form families, and if they do, they are choosing to have fewer children, if any at all, according to a May 2024 report jointly published by the Macdonald-Laurier Institute (MLI) and the Centre for the Study of Living Standards.

ANALYSIS: To Reverse Canada’s Declining Birth Rate, Cultural Changes May Be More Important Than Economic Ones

How Marxism Broke Down the Nuclear Family

How Marxism Broke Down the Nuclear Family

The same report, based on evidence from existing data and literature, found that traditional families enjoy more prosperity and better health.

Adults who are in a couple tend to earn more money per person than singles of the same age and, if married, they tend to live longer, have healthier lifestyles, and are less stressed. Similarly, children benefit from being raised by their two biological parents in a stable marriage, appearing to have a higher standard of living and educational attainment, and being less likely to engage in risky behaviour, the report found.

But a significant fraction of Canadian children will see their families break up by the time they are 14, and more than a quarter live in one-parent families, the report said. The author, Tim Sargent, deputy executive director of the Centre for the Study of Living Standards, concluded that the rates of family dissolution in Canada are higher than those in the United States and the UK, culturally comparable countries.

Janice Fiamengo, a retired University of Ottawa English professor who now gives talks on the role of women in society, says the downward trends in family formation are largely due to how women’s priorities are being redefined in Canada.

“Their primary goal in life is to be independent, to have a career, and to regard marriage and childbearing as secondary, if not undesirable in general,” Ms. Fiamengo told The Epoch Times, describing the trends and messages aimed at young women today.

Trends Among Canadian Women

Women are now taking longer to complete their higher education. From 2000–2022, the participation in education of women aged 20 to 24 rose by 12 percent (to 51 percent), according to Statistics Canada.

Only 37 percent of men in the same age range participated in education in 2022, and that rate grew by just four percentage points since 2000. Similar trends are seen among men and women aged 25 to 29.

Source: Statistics Canada 2023h, Table 37-10-0196-01. (Chart: Carolina Avendano/The Epoch Times)
Source: Statistics Canada 2023h, Table 37-10-0196-01. (Chart: Carolina Avendano/The Epoch Times)

Women’s participation in the labour market has also increased dramatically in recent decades, with fewer and fewer women choosing to be stay-at-home moms.

Employment among women aged 25 to 54 has almost doubled from 40 percent in 1976 to about 80 percent as of May 2024, according to Statistics Canada. Employment rates for women in general remain higher than they were prior to the pandemic in 2017 and 2019.

In addition, more women aged 25 to 34 now delay living with their partner. The proportion of those who live with their parents increased by 3.3 percentage points, from 12.8 percent in 2011 to 16.1 percent in 2021.

Marriage rates are on the decline while divorce rates are increasing, and women are waiting until later to have children.

At the same time, Canada’s fertility rate has been declining persistently for the past 15 years, with the national rate hitting an all-time low in 2022 at 1.3 children per woman.

A study by the think tank Cardus found that the top factors that diminish a woman’s desire to be a mother are wanting to grow as a person, wanting to save money, focusing on a career, and believing that kids require intense care.

“Any woman who decides that what she primarily wants to do is to marry and to have children, that woman is seen as having failed, having let down other women, and having failed herself,” says Ms. Fiamengo.

She says the prevalence of feminism in Canada has played a role in shaping these views.

Changing Views on Traditional Family Roles

It wasn’t until the second-wave feminism of the 1980s that an idea with communist roots took hold—the dissolution of the traditional family structure, Ms. Fiamengo says.

Feminism takes many forms and contains different ideas—in the 19th century, it was about women’s suffrage. The idea that the traditional family is at odds with gender equality and women’s fulfilment has its origins in communist ideology.

In his 1884 book titled “The Origin of the Family, Private Property and the State,” Friedrich Engels, based on notes by Karl Marx, made the first allusion to the monogamous family as “the world historical defeat of the female sex,” in which the woman was reduced to servitude and turned into an instrument for the production of children.

He thus advocated for the liberation of the wife, the abolishment of the family, and for the care and education of the children to become a public affair.

“[Engels] explicitly makes that connection, that the man—the patriarch—is the capitalist oppressor. The woman is in the situation of being the oppressed worker or the sex slave in the family,” says Ms. Fiamengo.

“He saw no distinction between prostitution, in which a woman is bought by a man to have her body used for the man’s pleasure, and the situation of a woman in a marriage.”

Betty Friedan’s 1963 book “The Feminine Mystique,” a precursor of feminism as a struggle between genders, urged women to break free from the domestic sphere and find their own identity outside the home. Friedan promulgated that fulfillment could not be found through marriage and motherhood alone.

Ms. Fiamengo says feminism’s lack of encouragement for women to start a family makes them miss out on what she thinks is one of the greatest joys of human life—childbearing.

“The fact that our government doesn’t encourage marriage … or encourage couples to stay together for the good of their children, is doing a terrible disservice to the future generations,” she says.

Peter Jon Mitchell, program director for Cardus Family, says the prevalent view of marriage in Canada is that “it’s nice, but unnecessary.”

“We don’t really talk a lot about marriage and the benefits of marriage in our culture.” Mr. Mitchell also that, compared to the United States, where the two-parent privilege—the fact that children fare better in two-parent rather than single-parent households—and the benefits of marriage are part of the public discourse, Canada lags behind.

The May MLI report cites some studies showing that children in two-parent households fare better. One published by the National Library of Medicine in 2014 found such children do better physically, emotionally, and academically.

Likewise, in a 2015 research paper, David Ribar, honorary professor at the University of Melbourne, found that children who grow up with married parents enjoy more economic and family stability. Mr. Ribar argues that the benefits of marriage for children’s wellbeing are hard to replicate through policy interventions other than those that support marriage itself.

Consequences of Putting Family Role Second

Sociologist Brigitte Berger noted in her book “The Emerging Role of Women” that work is important for both sexes. Yet liberation through work means different things to different people.

To the working-class women and the poor, for whom work is a necessity, liberation means freedom from financial burden and the freedom to devote time to things that matter outside of work, such as family, community, and hobbies. Among women for whom work is not a necessity, modern thinking has led them to find identity and liberation through paid labour.

According to a 2021 survey by the Canadian Women’s Foundation, 28 percent of mothers reported difficulty keeping up with work demands, and half of mothers felt exhausted trying to balance work and childcare responsibilities.

“I think most mothers would prefer to be part-time,” says Mrs. Brandt. “They don’t actually want to leave their kids 100 percent of the time with someone else.”

She says the widespread notion that women can do it all is not realistic and can lead many to burnout. “I can’t fully parent my children well and fully do another job [outside the home], at least not the way I want to,” she says. “Something has to give; there’s not enough of me.”

Mrs. Brandt says she is not worried about her chances of returning to work at some stage.

“We live a long time nowadays. You can’t always have kids, you can’t always be with your kids when they’re young or get that time back when they’re young,” she adds. “But you could do a career later, and that’s the amazing thing about our culture, too.”

Last year, a study by the think tank Cardus found that half of Canadian women are not having as many children as they would like, and that this group reported lower life satisfaction than women who achieved their fertility goals.

Cardus senior fellow Lyman Stone noted low fertility rates are not because women want few kids, but the timeline most of them follow for school, work, self-development, and marriage leaves too few economically stable years to achieve the families they want.

One of the most striking findings of the May MLI report is that Canada has seen a marked deterioration in the mental health of young women over the last decade.

More than three-quarters of women aged 15 to 30 reported excellent or very good mental health between 2009 and 2010. Throughout the following nine years, that figure dropped 22.5 percentage points, to 54 percent. For women aged 31 to 46, mental well-being also declined, but only by 10.1 percentage points.

Source: Canadian Community Health Survey, 2003 to 2019. (Chart: Carolina Avendano/The Epoch Times)
Source: Canadian Community Health Survey, 2003 to 2019. (Chart: Carolina Avendano/The Epoch Times)

Motherhood and Women’s Happiness

A Cardus 2023 study concluded that women’s happiness and fertility are linked. The think tank surveyed 2,700 women aged 18 to 44 about family and fertility, and found that mothers are happier than non-mothers everywhere (except when they are under 25 or living in poverty).

“The role of the mother really is to nurture and to develop children,” says Mrs. Brandt. “My husband is a wonderful nurturer, he’s fantastic at it, but my boys, even the ones that have the closest relationship with him, they still need mom … I’m still the safe place.

“I am not saying that men can’t do it, but sometimes women are built for it, and there’s nothing wrong with that.”

Danielle Brandt with her youngest son, Silas, at her Calgary home on June 1, 2024. Mrs. Brandt homeschools her oldest son, Aiden, because she saw he was falling behind in class. Seeing the positive response, she now plans to also homeschool her other two children. (Carolina Avendano/The Epoch Times)
Danielle Brandt with her youngest son, Silas, at her Calgary home on June 1, 2024. Mrs. Brandt homeschools her oldest son, Aiden, because she saw he was falling behind in class. Seeing the positive response, she now plans to also homeschool her other two children. (Carolina Avendano/The Epoch Times)

She draws inspiration from her mother, who was also a teacher turned homemaker. Mrs. Brandt says her mother was always available for her and her three siblings, and would show up at their most important moments, including sporting events, school functions or field trips. “We felt like we were the priority because we were,” she says.

But being a stay-at-home mom is also demanding, Mrs. Brandt adds. Although it’s rewarding, she says the challenge is that there is no time off. “But at the end of the day, when I look at my children and see them peacefully sleeping, [I think to myself] ‘That’s it, that’s what this is about,’” she says. “They are the future generation. I want to pour into that, and there is no more valuable work than that.” For the Silo, Carolina Avendano.

Featured image- Danielle and Adam Brandt with their sons Silas (L), Aiden (C), and Theodore at their home in Calgary on June 1, 2024. (Carolina Avendano/The Epoch Times)

5 Crucial Online Dating Mistakes

Working with thousands of clients over the years as an online dating coach, I’ve seen so many simple errors intelligent singles make that hamper their chances with online dating. 

Before you say online dating does not work (it does), or it will not work for me (why not?), or my friends tell me horror stories (believe me, they are doing something wrong—it’s them, not the app/site), here are some things to think about:

  1.  A unique Profile

    Short and Sweet sells.  No one wants to read a long monologue. 
    Here’s an excerpt of a profile I wrote for a male client that got great traction….and a relationship:

“YES:  vanilla, rosemary, Buenos Aires, humility, Barnes & Noble browsing, bourbon, cilantro, dogs, generosity, bikes, empathy, skates, skis, boats.

NO: beets, videoconference dates, whining about online dating apps, Red Wings, selfishness, arrogance, snakes.

I can’t grow a bougainvillea to save myself.  It grows like a weed here and I can’t keep it alive for 10 days.”

We had trouble keeping up with the responses he got!

  1.  Your Profile
    It must be grammatically perfect with no mistakes.  Yes, people read these and if they see you using “there” and “their” wrong, they very well may skip right over you. Spellcheck is your BF!

  1.  Messages
    If I hear one more woman tell me the man should reach out first, I’ll lose it!.  Men love when you make the first move. 
    If they do send a message, it can be one of two big mistakes:
  1.  It’s a short generic message
  2. It’s a 3-paragraph novella where you are cross-eyed by the end with way too much information.  Nobody will read this.
  1.  The Phone thing
    Pre-date, why do you need to chat on the phone?  
    Here are the issues with that:
    A.   A 45–60-minute call—client all excited as they have so much in common and the first date expectations have risen astronomically.  Very few dates can measure up now.

    B.  A short, awkward call and no date ensues.  This is a bummer because the other person may just not be good on the phone—perhaps a bit reserved, shy, etc.  This could have been the right person for you!

Ok, the only time I encourage a phone call is if there is significant distance. 



You live within 20 minutes of each other.  Go on the date. It’s coffee or a drink.  Get dressed and go!

  1.  Your photos
    Nobody, yes, nobody goes to your profile first.   Photos make or break you. 

    If you are serious about online dating and going on good dates or perhaps beginning a relationship, 5-6 great photos are a necessity.   And by that I do not mean filtered, air-brushed, highly edited photos.  I just mean you at your very best.  And current—as in from the past year.  And what you will look like when you show up on your date.

Action shots sell.  I had a NYC Wall Street-type juggling in a pic.  Plus, he bowls.  (I guess no one bowls and that grabbed a bit of attention).  Not the stereotypical private equity guy, right?

I hope this helps you a bit—I love what I do and enjoy my one-on-one contact with clients.  It’s one of the reasons that I sold It’s Just Lunch (I founded it in 1991 and sold out to Private Equity when we had 110 locations globally) as I missed client contact.   Remember, it only takes one! For the Silo, Andrea McGinty.

4 Ways To Fortify Your Marriage & Manage Your Differences

Marriage is a complex, ever-evolving relationship that challenges partners to remain active in their efforts to maintain the relationship.  While the components of a healthy relationship – passion, commitment and intimacy – may seem abstract, I have found specific actions through my practice as a clinical psychologist and marriage and family therapist that couples can do to prioritize their relationship and make it last.

Continue or learn to communicate well. We all know to be polite to our bosses at work or strangers we meet, but it is often with those we are closest to that we slip into unhealthy habits of disrespect or inattentive listening. Most likely, at the point in your relationship when you plan to get married, you feel close and communicate well with your partner. It is over time that partners become busier, more distracted or simply make fewer efforts to communicate respectfully and openly with their spouses. But communication is a critical component to a healthy marriage. Couples must schedule time to check in with each other weekly. This “weekly check-in” may seem less necessary in the early years of marriage, but you will appreciate the habit later when work hours become longer and kids enter the picture. Use this time to coordinate schedules, check in about any issues in the relationship, and take time for each other away from technological distractions (that means no phones or TV in the background).

Create a budget agreement. One of the most common areas of newlywed conflict is managing a joint budget. Even if you cohabitate with your partner before marriage, it is unlikely that you pooled all of your resources, and there is a lack of education about shared budgets. But money is important for your personal and relational well-being. Talk with your partner about your financial goals and concerns. Your spouse should be an equal partner in financial decisions. It is helpful for partners to regularly check in with each other about financial changes and decisions (you can easily incorporate this into your weekly check-ins). I advise couples to set a monthly personal budget – say $500 – that each partner can spend on individual expenses without consulting the other. If a partner wants to make a purchase that goes above the agreed-upon amount, he or she should wait until the other partner is consulted and agrees. By forming healthy spending habits and open communication about finances, partners can avoid one of the most common areas of marital conflict and feel closer as equals.

Share responsibility for maintaining intimacy. In the early years of a relationship, intimacy seems to come naturally, so many partners take for granted the importance of actively maintaining a sense of emotional connection. This is not the responsibility of one partner, but a requirement that both spouses maintain an interest in fostering intimacy and keeping tabs on ways the other partner wishes to feel loved and cared for (because this does vary from person to person and over time). Date nights are a simple way to establish time to reconnect during a busy week, and they are essential in the early years of marriage and beyond. Take turns planning an evening for each other, and do not get trapped in thinking it has to be extravagant. If your lives are incredibly busy that week, find a time to relax at home or try to cook a new meal together.

Remember that human beings like novelty, so be willing to try new things together.

Never be afraid to manage your differences. If I had to pick one major takeaway for couples considering marriage, it is to ensure that you are able to tell your partner when you are upset with him or her. That way your partner stands a chance of trying to fix the problem. Without this, resentment takes root and will continue to grow over time until it is addressed. This is so important because resentment often underlies any deficit in the previous points I made. It may sound basic, but it is often difficult for partners to place themselves in a vulnerable position where they can voice their concerns about the person closest to them. For couples to manage resentment, it is essential that partners create a safe conversational space where each can be heard and listen without feeling defensive or attacked. It is inevitable that you will have a different perspective than your partner at some point – whether regarding the family budget, division of household labor, or even the right way to show intimacy. Use any and every opportunity in the early years of marriage to practice talking with each other when one partner is upset with the other. Skills such as empathy, active listening and managing anger and frustration can be learned and need to be regularly utilized in couple conversation.  For the Silo, Dr. Anne Brennan Malec.

Dr Anne Malec

DirtSearch Helps Members Spot Male And Female Gold Diggers

How To Spot A Gold Digger

On the heels of the Top 10 names of men who are likely to cheat on you, , a free background check that searches public, criminal, arrest, civil, speeding tickets and more has just released the Top 10 Female Gold Diggers and the list puts Jennifer on top.

Identity theft has been on the rise with 1 in 8 searches coming up with a criminal past, and with that comes a rise in ‘gold diggers’ or women who are just chasing the money, legally or not. DirtSearch.org pulled data from over 2 million background searches and looked closely at the female names most often searched. What came back was petty crimes such as personal property, vandalism and identity theft. Out of that list, the names that come up most often in the top 10 are Jennifer, Jessica and Michelle, followed by Lisa and Ashley.

Here are the Top 10:
1. Jennifer
2. Jessica
3. Michelle
4. Lisa
5. Ashley
6. Amanda
7. Melissa
8. Stephanie
9. Nicole
10. Angela

So if you are a man dating a woman ( or a woman dating a man or a man dating a man or a woman dating a woman) and are questioning if maybe your girl has a shady past or are a qualified ‘gold digger’ just after your bank account, here are ways to tell your girl is a Gold Digger or make sure she is not on the ‘dirty’ list:

1. A sense of entitlement: She thinks she is a princess and has no long-term or short-term goals. Search her first name and last name anonymously on a background search site such as DirtSearch.org. Sites such as that one searches through online public records based on an algorithm and aggregates data across the internet to find what is listed online.

2. Trouble paying their bills: Gold diggers drop hints that they may be evicted or their car might be repossessed when instead they are buying $400 shoes and watches.

3. Age range: The girl is 30 years younger than you but tells you that she is 15 years younger.

4. She never pays for anything.

5. She is into expensive and lavish gifts. The girl asks you to pay for nails, hair and lavish trips.

6. They indulge in a pipe dream: She is constantly talking about becoming an actress or a model.

The company also earlier released 10 U.S. states where background checks are most prevalent. The Top 10 States are as follows:
Arizona
California
Texas
Florida
Illinois
New York
Pennsylvania
Ohio
Michigan
Georgia

For the Silo, Ana Tackett.

It’s Break Up Season But Jewelry Helps Embark Your New Life

Break ups aren’t so bad when you treat yourself to a nice pair of diamond earrings.

There’s a reason Neil Sedaka’s “Breaking Up is Hard to Do” became a pop classic – because it’s true! But breakups can also be a time to reflect and embark on a new chapter in your life, says Jay Ryan.

“Many people have been through a romantic heartbreak, which  can be among life’s biggest challenges. But being single after a committed relationship can also be a good time to rejuvenate yourself,” says Ryan, co-founder of www.breakupgems.com, an online retailer specializing in breakup and divorce jewelry that “celebrates new beginnings.”

“We cater to the growing number of people looking for meaningful ways to bring closure to their past and move forward with confidence,” he says.

For those who’ve recently experienced a split, or are about to (December holidays is the time of the year most long term relationship break ups occur.) Ryan shares several ways to turn your breakup into a makeover — a “breakover.”

https://youtu.be/1GTFvlm0vGM

• Empower yourself with the gift of health. It’s almost a cliché that ‘exes’ lose weight after splitting up; some lose their appetite due to melancholy and some are motivated to look and feel better with exercise and dieting. Don’t punish yourself with spartan regimens, Ryan advises. Eat nutritious foods and train sensibly.

• Treat yourself to a new wardrobe. Clothing can be the bearers of painful reminders, like the sweater he or she got you last year. Consider freshening up your style with new clothes – hey, you’ll probably need them anyway with all that exercise. A new wardrobe can serve as a healthy reminder of the new you.

• Be proactive with your reading. There are many genres of self-help literature, from spiritual to academic. But don’t limit yourself to nonfiction; classic literature not only gives you a great education, it also helps readers increase empathy and better understand emotional complexity.

• Consider a healthy reminder of the new you. It’s a tradition in our society to commemorate a romantic union or celebration with jewelry. Your breakup may likewise be a blessing that allows you to grow as an individual. Consider a ring or other piece of jewelry that will not only mark this milestone but be a personal reminder of your transformation and new beginning.

• Travel adds perspective on a new journey. Whether or not you realize it, a breakup is the beginning of a new life trajectory. Travel – whether it’s time for a change of domestic scenery or a vacation – perfectly symbolizes a new journey. Overcoming a painful separation requires an outside perspective, which is often gained through travel.

• Invite friends over for a dinner party. The depression that is liable to ensue after a breakup often leads to isolation, but that is when you most need your friends! Why not host a breakup party? Rather than blowing it out with a large group of people, which may include strangers, keep it simple with intimate friends you can trust. For the Silo, Ginny Grimsley.

Jay Ryan is the co-founder of www.BreakupGems.com, an online retailer that specializes in fine breakup and divorce jewelry. Each piece in the collection conveys an empowering message of freedom and renewal with designs that are both stylish and meaningful for anyone overcoming a recent breakup or simply celebrating happy singlehood.

What We Learn From The Death Of A Spouse And How To Find Love Again

He had no idea his life would change so significantly……For 31 years, Dennis and Hope Freed had a fulfilling marriage. They raised a family, built a home, and shared their dreams with one another and their two sons.

Overcoming Spiritual Midlife CrisisThen Hope got cancer, and their lives changed drastically overnight. She fought a long brave battle, and went through over 250 chemotherapy treatments, but on April 7, 2012, on an evening that heralded Passover in the United States and Easter in Israel, she died.

Dennis Freed’s beloved wife and best-trusted friend had gone, leaving him alone to figure out a future he’d never imagined. For the first year, he sorted through what society expected of a long-term caregiver and widower. Eventually, Dennis emerged from mourning, his heart ready for life’s next chapter. Is there love after marriage?

In Love, Loss and Awakening, Dennis Freed tells the story of how he began to go out with women again. He shares the reality of dating at age 50-plus—how he endured the awkward and hilarious encounters and embarrassments a man experiences when he hasn’t been on a date with a new woman for decades. Dennis’s book chronicles how one finds love after the death of a spouse. He describes his courageous and uplifting journey through sorrow, his search for new love, and his rediscovery of love and happiness.

Drawing upon the wisdom and personal experiences he acquired dating middle-aged women in all the wrong places, Freed takes the mystery out of the many lessons he learned. Dennis found out that as a widow or widower you can find love again, but it’s a difficult road. Love isn’t unique to the person you loved first. That love never fades, but your heart has room for more. You can get love back in your life. Your new love becomes a special love in its own right.

Here are just a few of the valuable insights:

Hole Heart/ Whole Heart

When you lose your best, most trusted friend, the hardships just begin. You are now alone. Your whole heart collapses to half its size. It transforms into a Hole Heart. The process of resurrecting it to wholeness is like Lego construction, built one little brick at a time. At first, bricks of varying shapes and sizes are sorted through and meticulously placed. Slowly they assume the weight and shape of your newly imagined Whole Heart.

Learn How to Be Physical, Affectionate, and Intimate

You spent thirty-plus years kissing no one but your spouse. If you spend your time worrying about the “what if” instead of enjoying the right now, it will rob you of your joy today. Sometimes you just have to learn something new, like all the kissing pleasures one never experienced. It’s not such a bad idea. Understand that it takes time and practice, and that each person you meet is unique. You’ll make hurtful intimacy mistakes just like a teenager. You’ll make stupid and inconsiderate mistakes. It’s a fact. Practice and learn so that when the right person comes along, you’ll be ready.

A Hundred Bottles of Beer on the Wall

You are going to date a lot of people. It is okay to be sad, mad, depressed, empty, lost after a date that isn’t perfect. Embrace the journey! Feel! Live it! Then get on to the next one so your failures don’t consume you. Have fun searching. Let your dating escapades become the target of jokes for your friends. Entertain them with style!

LoveLossAndAwakeningDennisPFreedBookCoverLove, Loss and Awakening

Dennis P. Freed

 List $ 12.95US

88 pages, trade softcover, also available in ebook version

ISBN 978-0-9971916-1-5

Tolawaken Press

 The death of a loved one is devastating, and can leave us questioning our new path. Will I ever want to find love again, and if so, how do I find it? What’s appropriate behavior for a widowed fifty-four-year-old? Should I explore dating sites? Meet women in bars? Rely on introductions from friends? The questions far outnumber the answers. In Love, Loss and Awakening, Dennis Freed shares his experiences and his journey to new love and the rediscovery of happiness.

For more information, visit www.LoveLossandAwakening.com

 

About the Author

Dennis P. Freed is a native of Brooklyn, New York, and, from age three, grew up in Oceanside, Long Island, where he later raised his family. He earned a BS in Civil Engineering at the University of Rhode Island. After a stint as a structural engineer, he entered the Construction Management and Development profession in New York City, where he has led teams to construct and develop more than sixty-five buildings. Also an associate professor at Pratt University in New York, he teaches Construction Management to architecture students.

Sunset

What People Are Saying

“Love, Loss, and Awakening is an engaging story of how one man bounces back after losing the love of his life. It is an ode to the power of being in relationship, especially when faced with incredibly difficult and heartbreaking loss. And it is with much humor that Dennis Freed takes the reader on a journey to find what we are all looking for to be joyous and fulfilled in relationship.”

Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D., Creators of Imago Therapy and authors of Getting the Love You Want

“This is a story of digging deep after loss, finding that being with another is worth the risk, and staying open to lessons both human and Divine. At times an excruciating memoir of living with cancer, at others, a combination of ‘How To’ and, more useful, ‘How NOT To’ of middle-aged dating. Those who have loved deeply will be reminded of what they have or have lost; for others, it’s the promise of how good a relationship can be. The book has a happy ending, yet acknowledges that seeking love must always include a willingness to lose again.”

—Cynthia Wall, LCSW, author of The Courage to Trust: A Guide to Building Deep and Lasting Relationships

“Get ready to cry, laugh, cringe, and howl with wonder and delight as you go through Dennis Freed’s amazing experiences after the loss of his wife. He offers heartfelt real-life insights on how to cope with the despair and overcome the pain so you can face the world and find love and happiness anew.”

—Paul J. Krupin, author of Words People Love to Hear Simple Verbal Recipes for Making the People Around You Feel Good

Top Ways Folks Go Broke

Being broke sucks and you don’t have to come from a wealthy family, have the next  billion-dollar idea or work 18-hour days to become rich, says self-made millionaire Mike Finley. In fact, you don’t have to be extraordinary in any of the headline-grabbing ways. What you need is the self-awareness to avoid wasting Financial Happiness.

“Money used wisely can give you financial security ”

Finley lists 10 of the most common money traps that lead to consumers going broke:

1- Making the appearance of wealth one of your top priorities by acquiring more stuff. The material trappings of a faux lifestyle, as seen in magazines and advertisements, are not good term happiness.

2- Working a job you hate, and spending your free time buying happiness. Instead, find fulfilling work Monday through Friday so you are not compensating for your misery with expensive habits during the weekend.

Even worse than living paycheck to paycheck- advance loan on your paycheck.
Even worse than living paycheck to paycheck- advance loan on your paycheck.

3-  Living paycheck to paycheck and not worrying about saving money. Don’t live for today, as if that’s all that matters. Have you already achieved all of your dreams by this moment? If not, embrace hope and plan for tomorrow. (Appreciating your life today doesn’t require unnecessary expenditures.)

4-  Stopping your education when someone hands you a diploma; never reading a book on personal finance. Just about any expert will tell you that the most reliable way out of poverty is education. Diplomas shouldn’t be the end of learning; they should be a milestone in a lifetime of acquiring wisdom.

5-  Playing the lottery as often as possible. While you’re at it, hitting the casino! Magical thinking, especially when it comes to money, is a dangerous way to seek  financial security.

6-  Running up your credit cards and making the minimum payments whenever possible. Paying interest on stuff you really don’t need is a tragic waste of money.

7-  When you come into some free money, spending it. Feeling like you deserve it. By that logic, you’re saying that a future version of you doesn’t deserve the money, which can be multiplied with wise investments.

8-  Buying the biggest wedding and the biggest ring so everyone can see just how fabulous you really are. Nothing says “Let’s start our future together” like blowing your entire savings on one evening.

9-  Treating those “amazing” celebrities and “successful” athletes as role models. Trying to be just like them whenever possible. As far as we know, there’s only one you the universe has ever known. Don’t dilute your unique individuality by chasing an image.

10-  Blaming others for your problems in life. Repeat after me: I am not a victim. The victim mentality is an attempt to rationalize poor habits and bad decision-making.

“If you’re feeling uncomfortable with your financial situation, don’t just sit there in a malaise of ‘If only I had more money,’ ” Finley says. “Instead, use it as motivation for a better life; that’s why the discomfort is there.”

Like most North Americans, Mike Finley was raised with no education in personal finances. Joining the Army out of high school, he realized he didn’t understand money management and began the task of educating himself. After 26 years in the service, during which he practiced the principles he learned, he retired a millionaire. Finley is the author of “Financial Happine$$,” and teaches a popular financial literacy class at the University of Northern Iowa.  For the Silo, Jarrod Barker.