Tag Archives: empathy

Through Balance Everyone Has Potential To Shine

Life sometimes can seem off kilter as responsibilities mount and people plow all their physical and mental resources into what seems to be the most pressing crisis of the moment.

But Lumbie Mlambo says that’s a good time to take a step back. Everyone has the potential to shine in life’s darkest moments, but the key to achieving goals and an overall better existence is to maintain a balance so that one aspect of your life isn’t consumed by another.

While some people might say balance in life is an impossible goal, she disagrees and says when each of us find our equilibrium, we become more productive and a greater asset to our communities.

“There’s balance in everything we do, be it walking, talking, eating, sleeping, working or spending time with family,” says Mlambo, editor of Equanimity Magazine, an online publication that features inspiring stories of life and success.

“For example, look at how we try to deal with our work-life situation. We balance our workload so that we can still make room for other activities, to spend more time with our spouses or our children. We do that because we understand how important it is.”

Einstein Life Balance Quote

She offers these reasons for why living a balanced life is essential.

•  The health factor. Staying balanced is a key to a healthier and successful life. Both mental health and physical health benefit, and as a result, so do our overall lives. “When we’re healthy, we’re able to care for ourselves and others in our community,” Mlambo says.

•  The empathy factor. When we find balance in life, we can better understand the importance of helping the underprivileged, says Mlambo, who grew up in a rural area in Zimbabwe. You begin to realize that someday you could be in their situation, which makes you a more empathetic person. “Your economic situation is like your health,” she says. “Nothing is guaranteed.”

•  The role-model factor. Sharing our stories – whether it’s a tale of success or even a tale of failure – is important because others can learn from us or be inspired by us as they too strive for a balanced life. “When you tell your story, it empowers, motivates and encourages people to not give up on their dreams and goals,” Mlambo says. “Maybe you think your story is just not that interesting or important. But for someone out there, it may be the spark that ignites them to great things.”

Mlambo always strove to find balance in her life. But she became even more passionate about it after she suffered a stroke in 2001 that left her partially paralyzed. She since has recovered, but says the event had a profound impact on her and she will always consider herself a stroke patient.

Audrey Hepburn Life Is About Others Too Quote

“Before the stroke, I thought my life was balanced in a way,” she says. “I mean, I ate healthy foods. I exercised seven days a week. But it was not balanced in the way I wanted. I had been too focused on myself. I realized that life was not just about me, but about others.”

Finding balance in life isn’t just a feel-good concept, Mlambo says. As people achieve balance, they realize they have the potential to rise above their circumstances. They can become more productive in their communities and that is good for everyone.

“Staying proactive and shifting the way we think can even help the economy to grow and can help create more jobs,” she says.

Certainly, maintaining a balanced life may be tougher than ever because technology allows work – emails, text messages, telephone calls – to intrude on people’s “off” hours. But that’s just all the more reason to make a concerted effort to strive for balance, Mlambo says.

She says it’s become popular in some circles to argue that a balanced life is a myth and can’t be achieved. But regardless of their views, she says, most people seem to be trying to bring balance to their lives, even if they don’t think of it that way.

“We eat healthy to stay balanced, we get enough sleep or rest to avoid stress, we juggle our daily activities to stay balanced,” Mlambo says. “To be successful in anything we do, we must have some sort of balance.” For the Silo, Lumbie Mlambo

Working On Emotional Intelligence Will Open Doors To Achievement

Emotional Intelligence Empathy Plus

Personal power is a core leadership competency that everyone  needs to develop before they can lead others. It has to do with being able to
lead yourself.

“Personal power is the ability to achieve what you want,”  according to Frederick Mann, a successful entrepreneur and author of The  Economic Rape of America.

“More than anything else, it is personal power  that brings you success and happiness. The biggest barrier to success in almost
any endeavor is powerlessness, negativity, helplessness, and inertia. They  belong together. The problem is not only our own powerlessness, but also the  powerlessness of those around us.”

We can help harness and learn to use our personal power by  understanding and working on our Emotional Intelligence (EI) skills.

Not long ago, when I worked in a corporate environment, there was a strong push to incorporate EI into the organization’s leadership
training curriculum as an array of skills and characteristics that drive  leadership performance.

EI is “the ability to monitor one’s own and others’ feelings  and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide
one’s thinking and actions,” according to psychologists John D. Mayer and Peter  Salovey, who co-developed the concept and were two of the three authors of the Emotional Intelligence Test.

a.  Pay attention to the feedback of friends and co-workers, good and bad. Train yourself to repeat the behaviors that get positive feedback and work on eliminating those that make people react negatively.
b.  View constructive criticism as just that. When we become defensive, we don’t hear what can be very helpful feedback.
c.  Learn to handle conflict and confrontation from a perspective of compassion and caring.

Personal coaching can be very helpful in learning to be more diplomatic in your interactions with others.

Dr. Salovey (left) and Dr. Mayer (right)
Dr. Salovey (left) and Dr. Mayer (right)

My EI training and its practical applications to my work team environment still resonate in my personal life. They became skills that I now methodically apply to current situations in both personal and entrepreneurial pursuits.

There are several EI models, but the one to which I ascribe is the mixed model introduced by Daniel Goldman, a combination of ability and traits. Here are Goldman’s five main EI constructs, and my views on how each of us can develop them:

1.  Self-awareness: the ability to know one’s emotions, strengths, weaknesses, drives, values and goals and recognize their impact on others while using gut feelings to guide decisions.

In order to become self-aware, you need to conduct an honest self-assessment to determine your strengths and weaknesses, such as powerlessness and inertia, and determine the root causes. You then need to create a plan that will help you overcome your fears, which are barriers to courage and stand between you and your successes.

While I am a big proponent of using my intuition to guide my decisions, whenever it is appropriate, I need to caution that unless your gut
feelings are often more right than wrong, you cannot make decisions solely based upon intuition. You need to use a balanced combination of intuition and logic.

2.  Self-regulation: involves controlling or redirecting one’s disruptive emotions and impulses and adapting to changing circumstances.

Simply put, you need to exercise self-discipline and know how to control your emotions and be flexible in order to adapt to changing
situations. You cannot continue on the same trajectory or keep the same plans when the circumstances or facts have changed. Your plans need to be modified accordingly.

3.  Social skills: managing relationships to move people in the desired direction.

Your social skills refer to your interpersonal skills or your ability to relate and connect with people, which can motivate them to deploy discretionary efforts to help you achieve goals that are best accomplished via partnership and collaboration.

Here are some tips for improving your social skills:

a.  Pay attention to the feedback of friends and co-workers, good and bad. Train yourself to repeat the behaviors that get positive feedback and work on eliminating those that make people react negatively.
b.  View constructive criticism as just that. When we become defensive, we don’t hear what can be very helpful feedback.
c.  Learn to handle conflict and confrontation from a perspective of compassion and caring.

Personal coaching can be very helpful in learning to be more diplomatic in your interactions with others.

4.  Empathy – considering other people’s feelings, especially when making decisions.

Some people believe empathy cannot be learned, but I believe just the opposite. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to see
situations from their perspective. Might they be feeling fear? Shame? Guilt? How do those emotions make you feel? Understanding and addressing the concerns of others is essential to EI.

Always consider intent versus impact, and how your actions or decisions may affect the individuals or groups involved.

5.  Motivation – being driven to achieve for the sake of achievement.

Simply put, what motivates you? What are your benchmarks for success? Once you achieve certain levels of success, you need to consistently
set new benchmarks to keep chasing personal excellence!

Practice your EI skills on yourself first, and you’ll develop greater personal power. That can lead to achievements you may never have dreamed possible. For the Silo, Lynda Chervil.

Lynda Chervil is the author of “Fool’s Return,” http://lyndachervil.com/, a new novel that incorporates valuable life lessons in a page-turning tale that touches on technology, the green movement, and other aspects of contemporary society.

Lynda Chervil
Lynda Chervil

Canada’s Truth And Reconciliation Commission

Reconcilation

[This article was first published by The Silo on April 22, 2014] On June 10, 2009, the Honourable Justice Murray Sinclair, Marie Wilson and Chief Wilton Littlechild were appointed as Commissioners to the Truth and Reconciliation Commission of Canada (TRC), a component of the Indian Residential Schools Settlement Agreement.

Canada’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission is unique from other commissions around the world in that its scope is primarily focused on the experiences of children and its research spans more than 150 years (one of the longest durations ever examined). It is also the first court-ordered truth commission to be established and most notable, the survivors themselves set aside 60 million dollars of the compensation they were awarded to help establish the TRC.

Over the course of its 5 year mandate, one of the main tasks of the Commission is to create an accurate and public historical record of the past regarding the policies and operations of the former residential schools, what happened to the children who attended them, and what former employees recall from their experiences.

It is difficult for Canadians to accept that the policy behind the government funded, church run schools attempted to “kill the Indian in the child”.  The violent underpinnings of the policy challenge the way we think about Canada, and call into question our national character and values.  We have been taught to believe that we are a peaceful nation, glorious and free.

The residential school legacy shines a light in our darkest corners, where we feel most vulnerable.

Over 130 Residential Schools were located across Canada, with the last one closing in 1996.   More than 150,000 First Nations, Métis and Inuit children as young as five years old were forcibly removed from their families and placed in institutions that shamed their languages, customs, families, communities, traditions, cultures and history.  In essence, they were not allowed be themselves and denied the love and belonging owed to all children.

Reconcilation

While some former students had positive experiences at residential schools, many suffered emotional, physical and sexual abuse, and others died while attending these schools. Other lessons in trauma included assimilating children to gender roles, non-skilled labour and religion to prepare them for future integration.   For the parents left behind, the worst lessons in shame, grief, loss and disconnection. Whole societies were undone.

In addition to creating the public historical record of the past, the survivors also tasked the Commission to reveal to Canadians the full and complete story.

What were they thinking? Why should it matter to ordinary Canadians?

Here’s why:  When we tell our stories we change the world. When we don’t tell our stories we miss the opportunity to experience empathy and to cultivate authenticity, joy and belonging. (Brené Brown, 44) Through story-telling, the survivors are compelling Canadians to listen and respond with deep compassion and to re-set relationships in a big way in this country.  This is our greatest opportunity to recognize shared history and our shared humanity.   These stories are a gift and will help us to shape our shared future.

Thomas Moore before and after his entrance into the Regina Indian Residential School in Sasketchewan in 1874. image: Library and Archives Canada/NL-022474
Thomas Moore before and after his entrance into the Regina Indian Residential School in Sasketchewan in 1874. image: Library and Archives Canada/NL-022474

Through statement gathering at national or regional events and at TRC Community Hearings, former students, their descendants and anyone who has been affected by the Residential Schools legacy, had an opportunity to share their individual experiences in a safe and culturally supportive environment.   The TRC concluded its last community hearing in March 2014 and has collected more than 6, 200 statements.

Almost all of them were video-and-audio-recorded and range from a few minutes to a few hours.  The statements will be stored at the National Research Centre on Indian Residential Schools at the University of Manitoba.  Students, researchers and members of the public will be able to access the statements to learn about residential schools and the legacy they leave behind.

Reconcilation

As the TRC begins to reveal to Canadians the full and complete story of residential schools and inspire a process of reconciliation across this country, ordinary Canadians seem ill-equipped to make the journey from shame to empathy.  “We know the voices singing, screaming, wanting to be heard- but we don’t hear them because fear and blame muffle the sounds” (Brené Brown, 42)  We need to prepare ourselves to go to the dark corners of our history, so we can stand in the light together as equals.

In my next article, I will share with you more about empathy, how to practice empathy and why its essential to building meaningful and trustworthy relationships.) For the Silo, Leslie Cochran.

(Brené Brown, 42 and Brené Brown, 44) are taken from her first book “I thought it was just me.”

Progressive Dolls Feature Anatomically Correct Bodies And Varied Ethnic Groups

Educational Insights, a leader in manufacturing toys that ignite passions and inspire imaginations, offers  two innovative new baby dolls.

Beyond being crafted from the highest-quality European standards, Baby Bijoux and Baby Doux foster nurturing-care and imaginative play while exposing children to the realities of their world. The dolls come in a wide variety of just-like-me skin-tones and ethnicities, and Baby Bijoux features anatomically correct body designs.

Educational Insights Baby Doux African American Doll | Walmart Canada

Both dolls were awarded the Oppenheim Toy Portfolio Gold Seal Award and are already catching the attention of influential moms like @kcstauffer, with over 3.2 million followers, who has shown her daughters playing with the new dolls twice on her Instagram channel.

zoomed image

Baby Bijoux is a beautifully crafted, anatomically correct 15.75” (40 cm) doll which encourages self-discovery, nurturing and empathy.

Available in both boy and girl in just-like-me skin tones and hair types of African American, Asian, Caucasian and Hispanic. This baby will be sure to encourage curiosity and answer kids’ natural questions about the human body while helping to develop language and vocabulary skills and encouraging social and emotional development.

Educational Insights Has Released Two Innovative New Baby Dolls | Emily  Reviews

Age range: 3-6 years

MSRP: $64.99usd

Baby Doux is a 12” (30.5 cm) soft bodied baby doll available in multicultural skin tones including Hispanic, African American, Asian and Caucasian. With movable arms and legs and realistic baby details, the just-like-me skin tones promote real world connections. Encouraging your little ones to care for their baby helps teach empathy, social and emotional skills as well as promoting imaginative play.

Age range: 2+ years

MSRP: $54.99usd

For the Silo, Megan Flagg. 

Award Winner Explains Women’s Money Emotions

Everyone has a relationship with money, but for women, it’s much more fraught with emotion, says Meriflor Toneatto.

When we avoid and ignore those emotions, we allow them to quietly guide our decision-making – which inevitably holds us back.

“Understanding our emotions, fears and doubts about money and how they affect our behavior can help us heal them so we can experience financial and personal freedom,” says Toneatto, an entrepreneur,  certified business and life coach, and author of  “Money, Manifestation & Miracles: 8 Principles for Transforming Women’s Relationship with Money.”  For women, money is an emotional currency. It’s tied to our sense of self-worth and self-confidence, and our feelings of safety and security. These feelings often translate into self-limiting decisions.

The effect can be profound. Consider female entrepreneurs:

“The number of women-owned U.S and Canada. businesses is growing 1.5 times faster than the national U.S. average, but a report from 2013 found that they’re still contributing less than 4 percent of overall business revenues, about the same as they were in 2007,” Toneatto says.

“Our businesses are smaller because we’re less likely than men to borrow in order to expand. We’re afraid to take financial risks,” she says citing a U.S. Department of Commerce report..

And in the corporate world:

Women comprise half the workforce, yet hold the majority of lower-wage jobs in the United States, according to the 2014 State of the Union address.

What are the emotions shaping so many of our decisions? Toneatto cites five:

Fear: The most common emotion among women is fear. With money, we fear not having enough of it; that we’ll lose it all and never get it back. Nearly including those according to the 2013 Women, Money and Power Study.

And we fear an abundance of money. We may fail to negotiate a higher salary because we fear we can’t live up to it. Successful women may be reluctant to reach higher because we fear failure — and losing it all.

These fears often have roots in situations we were exposed worth. They send a strong signal that we need to root out their source and heal it.

Guilt: People who say things like, “I feel guilty when I spend instead of save” or “I never buy anything unless it’s on sale” have guilt feelings associated with money. These, too, are often rooted in the fears and messages we saw and heard in childhood about not having enough money. Many of us are natural nurturers who’ve gotten the message that “good” women are selfless, and so we may freely, even recklessly, spend on others while withholding from ourselves.

Shame: This painful emotion cuts whether worthy and deserving. We avoid talking about shame, and so it exerts control over us. With money, shame is commonly connected to amassing a lot of debt and hiding it because we fear being judged, humiliated, and disliked.

Anger: This emotion repels money, opportunities and people because it can leave us closed off emotionally and physically from others. It’s based in a belief in the unfairness of life and/or the unfairness of money. A person who becomes angry about money may be angry at herself for missing an opportunity or for mishandling money in the past. Anger can lead to trust issues and to over-protecting every cent – even hoarding money.

Blame: Anger and blame often go hand in hand. hand in hand. It stems from feeling disappointed or wronged because you believe your life would have been easier and/or better if someone – maybe parents or a spouse — had been able to provide you with more money. Blame can sabotage relationships with both people and money for years.

“At some point in our lives, we all have felt one or more of these emotions,” Toneatto says. “The good thing is, once you begin to recognize them, they’re like a flashing yellow ‘caution!’ light.”

About Meriflor Toneatto

Meriflor Toneatto is the founder and CEO of Power With Soul, a company dedicated to empowering female entrepreneurs and professionals by helping them transform their relationship with money. The author of “Money, Manifestation & Miracles: 8 Principles for Transforming Women’s Relationship with Money.” Toneatto holds a bachelor’s degree in public administration and management and graduate certifications in personal, professional and financial coaching. A former corporate executive, she is a recipient of the Amethyst Award for Excellence and Outstanding Achievement from the government of Ontario, Canada.

Supplemental- http://www.canadiangovernmentexecutive.ca/category/item/1283-and-the-amethyst-goes-to.html

It’s Break Up Season But Jewelry Helps Embark Your New Life

Break ups aren’t so bad when you treat yourself to a nice pair of diamond earrings.

There’s a reason Neil Sedaka’s “Breaking Up is Hard to Do” became a pop classic – because it’s true! But breakups can also be a time to reflect and embark on a new chapter in your life, says Jay Ryan.

“Many people have been through a romantic heartbreak, which  can be among life’s biggest challenges. But being single after a committed relationship can also be a good time to rejuvenate yourself,” says Ryan, co-founder of www.breakupgems.com, an online retailer specializing in breakup and divorce jewelry that “celebrates new beginnings.”

“We cater to the growing number of people looking for meaningful ways to bring closure to their past and move forward with confidence,” he says.

For those who’ve recently experienced a split, or are about to (December holidays is the time of the year most long term relationship break ups occur.) Ryan shares several ways to turn your breakup into a makeover — a “breakover.”

https://youtu.be/1GTFvlm0vGM

• Empower yourself with the gift of health. It’s almost a cliché that ‘exes’ lose weight after splitting up; some lose their appetite due to melancholy and some are motivated to look and feel better with exercise and dieting. Don’t punish yourself with spartan regimens, Ryan advises. Eat nutritious foods and train sensibly.

• Treat yourself to a new wardrobe. Clothing can be the bearers of painful reminders, like the sweater he or she got you last year. Consider freshening up your style with new clothes – hey, you’ll probably need them anyway with all that exercise. A new wardrobe can serve as a healthy reminder of the new you.

• Be proactive with your reading. There are many genres of self-help literature, from spiritual to academic. But don’t limit yourself to nonfiction; classic literature not only gives you a great education, it also helps readers increase empathy and better understand emotional complexity.

• Consider a healthy reminder of the new you. It’s a tradition in our society to commemorate a romantic union or celebration with jewelry. Your breakup may likewise be a blessing that allows you to grow as an individual. Consider a ring or other piece of jewelry that will not only mark this milestone but be a personal reminder of your transformation and new beginning.

• Travel adds perspective on a new journey. Whether or not you realize it, a breakup is the beginning of a new life trajectory. Travel – whether it’s time for a change of domestic scenery or a vacation – perfectly symbolizes a new journey. Overcoming a painful separation requires an outside perspective, which is often gained through travel.

• Invite friends over for a dinner party. The depression that is liable to ensue after a breakup often leads to isolation, but that is when you most need your friends! Why not host a breakup party? Rather than blowing it out with a large group of people, which may include strangers, keep it simple with intimate friends you can trust. For the Silo, Ginny Grimsley.

Jay Ryan is the co-founder of www.BreakupGems.com, an online retailer that specializes in fine breakup and divorce jewelry. Each piece in the collection conveys an empowering message of freedom and renewal with designs that are both stylish and meaningful for anyone overcoming a recent breakup or simply celebrating happy singlehood.

Plastic Surgeon Says There Are Three Ways Your Face Can Lie

image: http://www.tips-tricks.net/lifestyle/face-reading-techniques/
image: http://www.tips-tricks.net/lifestyle/face-reading-techniques/

Social science experts agree — much of what we “say” is  never actually spoken.

“Facial expressions and other body language account for more than half of our communication,” says Adam J. Scheiner, M.D.,
www.adamscheinermd.com, an international Oculoplastic surgeon who’s been featured on “The Dr. Oz Show” and “The Doctors.”

“When we look at someone, especially when we’re meeting for the first time, we quickly scan the eye and mouth areas of the other person’s face to make some quick judgments: Are they friendly or a potential threat? Are they trustworthy? We form first impressions within 7 seconds of meeting.”

Those first impressions can become misleading due to the normal aging process and damage caused by stress, diet and environmental factors, particularly sun exposure.

“I call them the three D’s of aging: Our skin begins to  deteriorate; our faces deflate, making them narrower and wrinkled; and our eyelids and face descend, causing drooping and sagging,” Scheiner says. “All of these can affect what our face communicates to those around us.”

It’s bad enough to communicate something you don’t really feel, he says. It’s worse when people react to that communication so often, such as saying, “You look so tired,” that you actually begin to believe you are tired, he says.

He shares the three common “miscommunications”:

•  “People say I look tired when I’m not.”
As we age, our eyelids can begin to droop and look heavy, Scheiner says. The lower eyelid region often develops fullness below the lower lashes due to changes in the fat around the eye and changes in the facial fat of the surrounding cheek region. A lower eyelid height, heaviness of the upper or lower eyelid, or an eyebrow falling into the upper eyelid space can also occur. Whatever the cause, having baggy, puffy eyes can make a person look tired, sleepy, old or sick.

•  “People avoid me because they say I look stern, even angry. I’m neither!”
Whether through genetics or aging, eyebrows may lack or lose the arc that opens up the eye area and the entire face. A fairly straight eyebrow can convey a closed, unapproachable personality.

•  “People think I’m sick or have no energy.”
The brain expects to see a smooth curve from the temple to the cheek through the jawline to the chin. Any break in the curve is read as a lack of vibrancy. Normal facial aging causes loss of youthful fullness due to facial fat changes. This can cause a break in the curve that translates as a lack of vibrancy. In addition, poorly injected facial fillers can cause unnatural results.

Cosmetic procedures shouldn’t aim to turn you into something you’re not, Scheiner says.

“For rejuvenation, you simply want your face to communicate how you really feel inside. When you accomplish that, it’s so natural, people
will say, ‘Wow, you look great!’ But they won’t be able to put their finger on why.” For the Silo, Ginny Grimsley.

Body Language

Adam J. Scheiner, M.D. is world-renowned in laser eyelid and facial plastic surgery for his groundbreaking treatment for Festoons. He wrote the medical text on the condition and treated two complex causes of Festoons for the Dr. Oz and The Doctors TV shows.