Tag Archives: divorce

How To Embrace Your Post Divorce Future

The “D” word. Stressful right? When your divorce is finally final, how will you begin again?

The transition can be liberating for some, daunting for others. Mixed feelings – anger, relief, sadness, joy, fear and uncertainty – are common and may take time to sort out.

Meanwhile, the clock on your new life is ticking, and regardless of your emotions, it is time for a freedom-inspired relaunch, says Jacqueline Newman, a Manhattan-based divorce lawyer and author of Soon To Be Ex: A Guide to Your Perfect Divorce & Relaunch (www.Jacquelinenewman.com).

The divorce proceedings – all the time spent with your attorney and in court,  all the hours burned while considering highly emotional and financial factors, from the impact on your children to the division of assets – put a big part of your life on hold, not to mention a major strain on it.  And now with the difficult process over, Newman says, it is important to focus on creating a brand new you.

“The last umpteen months have been about your kids, your ex, and your divorce,” says Newman, “thus, a little ‘me’ time is in order. Here is an opportunity to be free from having to answer to anyone but yourself. So live your life to its fullest.”

Newman’s message is that divorce does not have to be the worst thing that could have happened to you.

There are silver linings as you begin to take control of what you can, and she offers three tips on how to relaunch after a divorce.

     •    Treat yourself.  Right out of the divorce gate, buy something meaningful for yourself. Lose the guilt your ex made you feel for spending on clothes or expensive shoes. Your gift could be something symbolic and therapeutic that fires a shot back at your ex. “I would absolutely recommend you buy yourself a divorce present of some kind,” Newman says. “You deserve it. One woman I represented was constantly mocked by her husband during their marriage for being flat-chested. It is easy to guess what she bought as soon as her cash payment cleared.” Sexy White Lingerie for Bride Women's Lingerie Lace | Etsy

   •      Embrace single hood. This does not mean you have to hug your first post-divorce dinner partner. It means embracing a new stage of discovery, with the different, interesting people you meet while dating becoming part of your growth.  Newman recommends online dating as a way to “relearn how to date.” Many newly divorced people feel insecure about dating, but Newman suggests learning about people outside your comfort zone. And rather than trying to focus on finding Mr. or Mrs. Right, Newman says, “Give yourself some time to look around and meet different types of people. You may learn something that can broaden your perspective on life. If you can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as opportunities for growth, then you can start being more accepting with the outcome of each relationship.”  Cougar dating advice 1.

   •      Expand your freedom.  Use your new windows of time to catch up with friends you have not seen. Newman recommends Facebook as an easy way to reconnect. On weekends when the ex has the kids, strengthen your friendship circle and broaden it. Explore and re-discover yourself. Pursue new hobbies or renew ones you did not have as much time for in marriage. Advance your career. “Your post-divorce life is offering you a chance to go after the promotion you have been dreaming about,” Newman says. “Cougars” on the prowl in Colorado nightclubs – The Denver Post

By doing the things you long wanted to do, you can find the new you. 

“You are free to be who you are without judgment from a spouse,” Newman says, “and to do whatever you want. Learn to love yourself.”  For the Silo, Cathy K. Hayes. 

Supplemental– Silo archives: break up jewelry

 

 

Johnny Depp’s Los Angeles Penthouse Collection Threatened By Divorce

What once was a successful pairing between Johnny Depp and Amber Heard has changed course and their dirty laundry is playing out in real time all over the world.  Whether real or as a way to get each back into the limelight and boost their careers, the court case has proven to be entertainment on a level that has at times even had the judge laughing.  One thing unfolding is that Amber appears to have her heart set on acquiring one, if not all, of Johnny’s fabulous L.A. penthouses.

What’s so desirable about them? Find out more via this article sent along to us from our friends at toptenrealestatedeals.

Known for being a somewhat dark, idiosyncratic actor, Depp has followed his own instincts in his choice of parts since his first role in Nightmare on Elm Street in 1984.

A Florida high school dropout at age 15, he played in several garage bands and married early. When he and his new wife took a trip to Los Angeles, in a stroke of good luck he happened to meet Nicolas Cage who suggested he go into acting. This led to his first film role in 1984’s Nightmare on Elm Street and quick successes in Edward Scissorhands, Sleepy Hollow and the Pirates of the Caribbean series. He then moved on to more serious parts portraying drug and gangster criminals in BlowPublic Enemies and Black Mass.

Glen Lantz from Nightmare on Elm Street Costume | Carbon Costume | DIY  Dress-Up Guides for Cosplay & Halloween
Johnny Depp as Ichabod Crane in Sleepy Hollow (1999)
Johnny Depp's 'Pirates' Co-Star Comes to His Defense Amid Controversy -  Inside the Magic

Widely considered one of Hollywood’s best actors and box office stars with Golden Globe and Screen Actors’ Guild Awards, Depp has made headlines from his movies, love life and his interesting real estate holdings, which include an island in the Bahamas. At various times engaged to Sherilyn Fenn, Jennifer Grey, Winona Ryder and Kate Moss, Depp had a long relationship with French singer-actress Vanessa Paradis. During his Paradis years, he purchased an entire French village which was recently on the market at $55.5 million usd. After he split with Vanessa, he married Amber Heard in 2015, but divorced just one year later. Listed after the $7 million usd divorce settlement with Heard is Depp’s unique collection of penthouses in downtown Los Angeles.

Depp acquired the five multi-storied, side-by-side penthouse units over a period of years after the building had been refurbished in 2007.

Decorated in his unique style, he never joined the units, but instead lived in them as though going from room to room, or lent to relatives to use.

Whether or not it was a conscious real estate business decision or a happy fluke, it means that the collection of units can be resold as a whole or individually. The group includes five condo units: four two-bedrooms and a one-bedroom, totaling approximately 11,500 square feet.

The 13-story Eastern Columbia Building was designed by Claud Beelman in 1930, considered to be one of the city’s best examples of Art Deco architecture still standing.

Johnny Depp’s collection of five penthouses in the famous Los Angeles Eastern Columbia building were available in 2016 as a group for $12.78 million USD; they are not currently on the market. For the Silo, Genelle Brown.

Photos: James Lang, Berlyn Photography for Partners Trust (now Compass) Video Credit:  Sean Evans, @evvo1991

4 Ways To Fortify Your Marriage & Manage Your Differences

Marriage is a complex, ever-evolving relationship that challenges partners to remain active in their efforts to maintain the relationship.  While the components of a healthy relationship – passion, commitment and intimacy – may seem abstract, I have found specific actions through my practice as a clinical psychologist and marriage and family therapist that couples can do to prioritize their relationship and make it last.

Continue or learn to communicate well. We all know to be polite to our bosses at work or strangers we meet, but it is often with those we are closest to that we slip into unhealthy habits of disrespect or inattentive listening. Most likely, at the point in your relationship when you plan to get married, you feel close and communicate well with your partner. It is over time that partners become busier, more distracted or simply make fewer efforts to communicate respectfully and openly with their spouses. But communication is a critical component to a healthy marriage. Couples must schedule time to check in with each other weekly. This “weekly check-in” may seem less necessary in the early years of marriage, but you will appreciate the habit later when work hours become longer and kids enter the picture. Use this time to coordinate schedules, check in about any issues in the relationship, and take time for each other away from technological distractions (that means no phones or TV in the background).

Create a budget agreement. One of the most common areas of newlywed conflict is managing a joint budget. Even if you cohabitate with your partner before marriage, it is unlikely that you pooled all of your resources, and there is a lack of education about shared budgets. But money is important for your personal and relational well-being. Talk with your partner about your financial goals and concerns. Your spouse should be an equal partner in financial decisions. It is helpful for partners to regularly check in with each other about financial changes and decisions (you can easily incorporate this into your weekly check-ins). I advise couples to set a monthly personal budget – say $500 – that each partner can spend on individual expenses without consulting the other. If a partner wants to make a purchase that goes above the agreed-upon amount, he or she should wait until the other partner is consulted and agrees. By forming healthy spending habits and open communication about finances, partners can avoid one of the most common areas of marital conflict and feel closer as equals.

Share responsibility for maintaining intimacy. In the early years of a relationship, intimacy seems to come naturally, so many partners take for granted the importance of actively maintaining a sense of emotional connection. This is not the responsibility of one partner, but a requirement that both spouses maintain an interest in fostering intimacy and keeping tabs on ways the other partner wishes to feel loved and cared for (because this does vary from person to person and over time). Date nights are a simple way to establish time to reconnect during a busy week, and they are essential in the early years of marriage and beyond. Take turns planning an evening for each other, and do not get trapped in thinking it has to be extravagant. If your lives are incredibly busy that week, find a time to relax at home or try to cook a new meal together.

Remember that human beings like novelty, so be willing to try new things together.

Never be afraid to manage your differences. If I had to pick one major takeaway for couples considering marriage, it is to ensure that you are able to tell your partner when you are upset with him or her. That way your partner stands a chance of trying to fix the problem. Without this, resentment takes root and will continue to grow over time until it is addressed. This is so important because resentment often underlies any deficit in the previous points I made. It may sound basic, but it is often difficult for partners to place themselves in a vulnerable position where they can voice their concerns about the person closest to them. For couples to manage resentment, it is essential that partners create a safe conversational space where each can be heard and listen without feeling defensive or attacked. It is inevitable that you will have a different perspective than your partner at some point – whether regarding the family budget, division of household labor, or even the right way to show intimacy. Use any and every opportunity in the early years of marriage to practice talking with each other when one partner is upset with the other. Skills such as empathy, active listening and managing anger and frustration can be learned and need to be regularly utilized in couple conversation.  For the Silo, Dr. Anne Brennan Malec.

Dr Anne Malec

Letters To The Silo, Life Is A Hassle So Tell Your Story

Prometheus> Dear Silo, It’s your life.
> You are the star of your own movie, it’s as important as that of the billionaire and the celebrity, just don’t expect anybody else to watch it or care about it.
>
> Social media is where you connect and share with your friends, if you’re doing it to brag and establish a career, you’re doing it wrong.
>
> Friends are everything. Build your crew. Share your ideas. Laugh. If your buds are unsatisfying, feel free to bring in new blood, or to graduate all together. But accolades without a posse to enjoy them are worthless.
>
> Money is irrelevant. Not if you don’t have enough, then that’s unfortunate and it’s all you can think about. But if you can pay for food, health and shelter, don’t nickel and dime, at the end of your life you’ll realize it’s just not worth it. Give a few extra percentage points as a tip. Lend money and don’t ask for it back. Pay the fee to put your bag underneath the plane as opposed to schlepping it on board. Being cheap only hurts yourself.
>
> You’re your own hero. The truth is everybody else is just as clueless as you. Don’t look up to anyone else, just build your confidence, and know that everybody’s unsure of the path.
>
> Having said that, everyone has expertise in different areas, it’s the nature of life. You’ll find if you share your dilemmas with others they’ll have loads of insight and will help you navigate what you find so challenging.
>
> Your experience is all that matters, and when you’re gone it evaporates with you.
>
> The government can’t protect you from the scam. Maybe after the fact it can help you claw some money back, but the truth is deception and even fraud are the cornerstones of even the biggest businesses. Just try to cancel a service… It’s nearly impossible. Better yet, try to renegotiate your cable bill. You’ll spend hours on the phone and only few will get a great deal. Buying a car has been democratized by the internet, but signing up, canceling and adjusting your cable bill is akin to the wild west.
>
> Don’t let the testosterone get you. Feel free to say no to the group. Get guys together and one will propose the outrageous and the others will be afraid to be labeled wimps and will go along with what might be dangerous. It takes a lot to say no, but if your insides tell you to, do so.
>
> And just because your fellow travelers in estrogen tell you you’re beautiful and rally around you when your romantic life is challenged, don’t think they’ve got accurate insight into guys. Sure, there are cads, players and manipulators, never mind those who don’t follow through. But the truth is most men are clueless and moldable. If there’s a spark, feel free to text and call them, you’re in the driver’s seat…unless you place all your faith in testosterone and go where your man goes, but that might leave you in a bad place, just like the guys above.
>
> Buy something if you’re gonna use it, don’t buy it to show it off. The truth is no one cares.
>
> Tell your story. Women are good at this, men are bad at this, fearful of appearing weak. But once you tell somebody the way that you feel…you’ve got the opportunity for them to respond in a warm, understanding way and you’ll feel connected, which is the ultimate desire of all people on this planet.
>
> Life is a hassle. You’ll lose and be hurt and despite having plenty of people to blame, you won’t get compensation, or if you do it won’t make up for your loss. Accept this. Plans will get broken, as will you. You can stay at home and never go out or you can enter the world and have unexpected, great experiences, but you’ll be exposed to greater danger. Life is a risk. If you’re playing it safe, it’s pretty damn boring.
>
> Work is about fulfillment more than money. Don’t envy those who don’t work, they’re empty and unsatisfied at the core. Try to have a job you love, but don’t assume just because you’re passionate about it you’ll get rich. But it’s okay to have a mediocre job to support your hobbies. Just don’t have a mediocre job and a mediocre life.
>
> Change happens. The journey to the other side will be painful. But you’ll always end up in a better spot, as long as you can let go of the past.
>
> Don’t be vindictive. Don’t try to get even. No one is keeping score and the longer you try to settle scores the more time you’re losing in life.
>
> Relationships are not about love but commitment, never forget it.
>
> Divorce may be necessary, but it will haunt you forever.
>
> Children center your life, they give you something to live for, they give you purpose. But don’t have them with someone who is unwilling to make themselves subservient to your progeny.
>
> Most of what popular culture will tell you is important is not. Enjoy that movie, follow politics, but if you think it amounts to a hill of beans you’re too deep in the weeds. Records and movies come and go. Who is President will affect you, via Supreme Court decisions if nothing else, but what’s in the news every day is about selling advertising.
>
> The older you get, the less you know. When someone is sure, they’re usually young or insecure.
>
> He who is famous today is forgotten tomorrow. If you’re doing it to be remembered, you won’t.
>
> Lefsetz…………..
> —
> Visit me: http://lefsetz.com/wordpress/
> —
> http://www.twitter.com/lefsetz

Supplemental- “Prometheus”: The Human Struggle

Ontario Lawyer Book Outlines Path To Successful Divorce

Noted family lawyer Russell Alexander has written a book outlining the path to a successful divorce, taking readers step-by-step through the process from finding a lawyer to handling post- litigation issues. This one of the few books that touches exclusively on Ontario divorce law.

“It made me realize how much hunger there is for information on how divorces work,” said Alexander. “No one ever expects to get a divorce, so it’s not a subject that people spend much time learning about until they are facing one. It can be hard to catch up at such a stressful time.”

In 300+ pages, Alexander’s book, “The Path to a Successful Divorce,” aims to give readers a solid grounding on the key questions about family law that they’ll face as they go through a divorce, including whether they’ll need a separation agreement first, how courts view adultery and why representing yourself is a bad idea.

Using his knowledge of Canadian case law, Alexander also peppered the book with interesting anecdotes about real divorces that illustrate how some of these issues play out, such as a father who sent abusive text messages and a couple who were married in front of 500 people but never obtained a marriage license.

“Every divorce is unique,” Alexander said. “But there are principles that underlie the process that you need to understand before you move forward in a divorce. This is one case where what you don’t know can hurt you. Hopefully this book will help readers avoid that problem.”

The book is now available for purchase on Amazon Kindle and will be available in print on Amazon and on the firm’ s website later this spring. For more details, contact:  marketingdirector@thesilo.ca

Russell Alexander Family Lawyers is committed to practicing exclusively in the area of family law in Ontario dealing with all aspects, including separation and divorce, child custody and access, spousal support, child support, and division of family property. A team of lawyers provide guidance from start to finish, helping clients identify and understand the legal issues as well as the options and opportunities available through the transition. The firm has offices in Lindsay, Whitby, and Markham, Ontario. For the Silo, Alison Beckwith .

Thoughts On Rejection And Concept Of Groundlessness

Rejection. “We lived in Northern New Mexico. I was standing in front of our house drinking a cup of tea. I heard the car drive up and the door bang shut. Then he walked around the corner, and without warning, he told me he was having an affair and he wanted a divorce. I remember the sky and how huge it was. I remember the sound of the river and the steam rising up from my tea. There was no time, no thought, there was nothing–just the light and a profound, limitless stillness. Then I regrouped and picked up a stone and threw it at him.” -Pema Chodron, When Things Fall Apart

This quote, about the moment Pema Chodron’s life began to change, the moment she experienced true groundlessness, applies to so many circumstances in life. Whether we are experiencing the rejection of a lover or spouse, or rejection from a gallery, grant application, art school, the list goes on and on, it is not uncommon for it to feel like the ground has slipped from beneath your feet. When the floor opens up and swallows you whole, it is human instinct to close up, distract, do whatever it takes to make the feeling go away. These are the moments when we must strive the hardest to open up and soften, allow whatever we are feeling to wash over us, and let that be okay.

If you are an artist, you may have tried applying for a grant. You may have given up after a rejection letter or two. But do you know that for every twenty grant applications you complete, you might receive one or two. Might. There are absolutely no guarantees, and the grant writing field is highly competitive. It is important to understand this going in and to have not only a system to keep churning out applications (because, after all this is an important part of many artists’ income and should be treated as such) it is also absolutely critical that you have your head firmly on your shoulders prepared to deal with the pain of rejection.

Let’s face it, rejection always feels personal. You put a piece of yourself out into the world only to have someone tell you it isn’t what they’re looking for. This hurts. And again, that’s OK.

What is important is that you never let the hurt get the best of you. Do not internalize rejection. Remind yourself that you are one of many. You are relying on the subjectivity of a person or group of people, and just because you do not win favor does not mean your art isn’t any good. Rather, it means your art wasn’t what they were looking for on that day for that particular thing. Accept this and move along.

Often, rejection has nothing at all to do with you. This is very difficult to get the mind around. Very often rejection is about the unspoken details being sought that someone else might happen to present.

Buddhist thought teaches us to accept groundlessness, work with it, allow ourselves to sit with it. We are all in the habit of glossing difficult emotions. We self-medicate sometimes with substances, or by tuning out and not letting the hard stuff in. Begin to notice when you start to check out and see how it feels to just be still with the difficult stuff.

Learning to deal with rejection will serve you in many ways. You will find the strength to continue your mission no matter what happens, and you will do so with grace. You will learn that just because you are not chosen one time doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try again. Often, grants and galleries invite those who are not chosen in one round to apply again. And again. The people who run things like this understand what you must begin to internalize–that it really isn’t about you.

If you begin to incorporate these things into your consciousness, eventually they will become part of the fabric. You will begin to live by the new way of thinking you have cultivated. A mindset that puts rejection into perspective and allows you to pursue your forward momentum no matter what.

Brainard Carey

Life is full of rejection, big and small. Hiding away won’t get you far. Choosing the path of least resistance may seem like the easy way but it is a road to nowhere. Remember, if you are an Artist choosing to make your art into a career, it means putting the most intimate pieces of yourself out into the world for all to see. It is a warrior’s path and requires a warrior spirit. For the Silo, Brainard Carey.

Brainard  is currently giving free webinars on how to write a better Artist bio and statement and how to get a show in a gallery – you can register for that live webinar and ask questions live by clicking here.

Featured image- entrepreneur.com

A Basic Visual Guide On Helping Your Children Through Divorce

For children, divorce can be an extremely upsetting and stressful time. Their world changes and it’s confusing. They may feel uncertain, scared, angry, hurt and depressed. As a parent, you can make the process less stressful for your children by being aware of ways to make the process less unsettling for them.

Your understanding, patience and reassurance can help greatly in your child’s adjustment. The infographic below via our friends at Browell Smith & Co Solicitors shows ways for you to reduce your child’s pain by making their well-being the most important part of the transition.

helping-your-children-through-divorce-infographic

1,969 Words on Having Experienced Domestic Abuse

Dear Silo,

In light of the [RayNFL domestic abuse controversy, I decided to write to you about my experience of domestic abuse.

My abuser was my husband. We had children. We had good jobs. People told us how happy we looked.

I had to look happy. He demanded my loyalty. He demanded I speak publicly, often at church, about how much I loved him and was grateful to him for providing for me and the children.

I was raped constantly. Not by knife, though, and not by physical restraints. He ruled my brain and body, he told me. As his wife, it was demanded that I have sex with him whenever he wanted. If I said no, he would be angry for days, calling me names, telling me that no other man would ever want me, that if I didn’t give it to him, he would take the children and never give them back. He would email me at work to continue the fight during the day. He would text me at night if I wasn’t with him.

When I came home from work one day to find all of my belongings on the front yard, I believed he was telling me the truth. I felt like an ungrateful woman who treated her husband horribly. My church leaders even told me that a husband could not rape his wife. One did tell me to leave, but I wasn’t strong enough then.

He took the air out of my tires so I couldn’t go out with a girlfriend. One of our children witnessed it.

I finally turned to the police. They wrote our episodes up as domestic disputes, which didn’t break the Canada’s Criminal Code (I have the reports, highly redacted). My husband was too smart to do something for which he could be charged.

Neighbours called the Police on him. My family also called the Police, afraid he was going to kill me because of a status on Facebook they thought was directed at me. The OPP showed up, questioned him, but did nothing when he said he would never harm me.

He kept a knife under his pillow. Why? He told our children that he felt I was going to kill him in his sleep and he had to be protected from me.

I was accused of many affairs. I was unfaithful to him even if I talked with a girlfriend on the phone. I was told that when I was home, I was to only spend time with family, but he meant with him. I couldn’t watch tv with the kids because he demanded that I stay with him.

On nights when I chose to get away from him to watch tv with them, he would bombard me with texts, telling me how horrible I was, keeping my attention on him, not the kids. On really bad days, he would charge into the room where I was with the kids to yell at me there, making sure they knew I was horrible, too.

He told me for 6 years that he wanted a divorce, to keep me in fear of breaking up the family. He would tell me that no man would want to be with a mom of so many kids. He also said that if I ever found someone to be with me, he would make sure he told him about the kinky sex I liked (true or not). I was damaged goods. No one would want me.

For years, I thought that was all I was worth.

That changed. Five years ago, I started planning to get out. It took that long because I had to convince myself that, even if I stayed single, the children and I deserved to not live on egg shells anymore.\

I had to find the strength to be a single mom.

Five years of getting my ducks in a row. Five years of emotionally divorcing him in my head.

When I told him I wanted a divorce, he begged to stay. He told the oldest children without me in the room that I asked for the divorce, that I was kicking him out. My kids hated me.

Then, he played the cancer card. He told the oldest children that the doctors suspected he had cancer and I was still kicking him out of the house. The day he before he was to have his scope, I asked him why he wasn’t clearing out his colon, like I had to do when I had mine scoped. He yelled at me, told me I didn’t know what I was talking about and went to our room.

Well, by then, it was his room alone. I was kicked out.

He told the kids he was moving east on a Friday. With our youngest away for the weekend at a camp with me, she kept asking if her dad was going to be home when she got there. When was he leaving? She was in knots all weekend. He didn’t tell her that he chose to stay. We found out when we got home.

Two weeks later, he said he was moving again. He actually packed the car this time. He said his good-byes before they left for school. He got as far as Quebec when he begged to come back. I refused.

He lived in his car. He lived in a cheap hotel. He told the kids I put him on the street. He emailed or texted me constantly to 1) let him back in, promising he’d change or 2) he’d make sure the kids knew it was all my fault. He told them he’d do anything to let him back in but I refused to forgive him.

Forgiveness was never an issue for me. It was a refusal to live under fear and anger any longer.

The kids and I didn’t have stress in our house anymore after he moved out. It only took a few days of him being away before they told me the house felt so much better without him there, without him yelling anymore.

Then he did something which put the fear back into my heart, fear that he could really hurt us this time. Until then, he had never done anything physical.

When I called the OPP to report it, they put everything back on me. I was told to stop slinging mud at him. They said I was never afraid for my safety before, so this episode was nothing. I was just trying to get him in trouble.

What do you do when the people you most trust to protect you, don’t? The church and the OPP did nothing to help. He was (is) a charmer and manipulator, he had everyone believing he was innocent of everything. Remember, a wife can’t say no to her husband.

I was not perfect. No one is. I was diagnosed with PTSD not long after he moved out.

But people have to stop blaming the victims of abuse for the abuse. We don’t ask for it. He was mad at me by my daily living, why would I do something deliberately to piss him off? No one deserves name-calling, harassment, manipulated into actions they don’t want to do, to walk on egg shells to keep him happy.

I stayed because there was no way in hell I would let him have custody of the kids. I stayed because for years, I believed I was worthless and that no man would ever want me. I was damaged goods. It took me years to get that thinking out of my brain. I am well educated. I have a great career. Abuse doesn’t care.

Abuse doesn’t infect any social status of people more than any other. Abuse infects the minds of women and children who are raised to believe it is the only way to live. Abused people believe they are worthless. Abused people don’t think they deserve any better.

On average it takes women 7-10 attempts to get out of that situation to follow through. Why? It is because they keep getting pulled back in with apologies, gifts. Grand gestures are made in front of children to make the woman look bad.

Example: the first time I said I wanted a divorce (years beforehand), he proposed to me again (with ring) in front of the children, promising things would be different. He gave me diamond earrings, too (he used the mortgage money to pay for them). I didn’t have the strength then to say no. The kids were counting on me to keep the family together. The kids were counting on me to protect them from him.

I failed more times than I care to count.

He came to my workplace once, after using my GPS location at a lawyer’s office, asked me in front of co-workers for a moment to speak to me, put me in his car and screamed at me for wanting a divorce. How dare I try to ruin our family!! I was allowed to leave the car, went back to my desk and cried. My officemate patted my shoulder and asked if I wanted to talk. I couldn’t. How could I let her know I was so badly abused by him and was terrified to leave?

Oh, he also hacked into my digital journal. Private thoughts were no longer private. They became tools to be used against me.

I thought I was strong enough to get out then. He beat me back down verbally, psychologically, financially, emotionally, sexually – yet he never broke the law. He had asked me for years for a divorce. Suddenly, following through with his wishes, I was bad – bad because I was actually pursuing it.

Last week, he used the ‘cancer card’ again, this time on our youngest children. The only thing they know of cancer was watching it slowly kill his dad years ago. It killed his mom, too. He told the kids that doctors thought he had cancer and that he was getting tested. He told them alone in the car, without even his girlfriend to even hear. Manipulative, conniving control freak. He played the pity card to keep them close. He didn’t care about what the news did to them. He only wants control. He demands loyalty.

Laws in this country, and many other countries, need to change. Why does it take a punch to the head to get the police to act? What kind of proof is needed for harassment via texting? I printed out the texts he sent to me at all hours of the night and brought them to the OPP. Nothing was done. Because nothing was done, he continued until I blocked his number. Email is now the only safe way to communicate. I have kept every one for the past 10 years. Plus, screen captures of texts.

Will it make a difference? I don’t know.

Getting a divorce is complicated. And expensive. My ex said he’d pay all court costs. Really? He’ll pay court costs but not child support?

The process is worse when you are divorcing a control freak who refuses to cooperate. He dropped out of mediation. He dropped out of counselling. He only wants divorce on his terms. That is not going to happen. I am levelling off this power struggle.

I don’t know what the future holds with the divorce. What I do know is that when the children are with me, they live in a home without fear, a home where they are trusted, a home where they can tell me whatever they want, even if it hurts my feelings. They can’t do the same with him.

They are the other victims of spousal abuse.

To be continued….

Information has been changed or deleted for fear of retribution.