The “D” word. Stressful right? When your divorce is finally final, how will you begin again?
The transition can be liberating for some, daunting for others. Mixed feelings – anger, relief, sadness, joy, fear and uncertainty – are common and may take time to sort out.
Meanwhile, the clock on your new life is ticking, and regardless of your emotions, it is time for a freedom-inspired relaunch, says Jacqueline Newman, a Manhattan-based divorce lawyer and author of Soon To Be Ex: A Guide to Your Perfect Divorce & Relaunch (www.Jacquelinenewman.com).
The divorce proceedings – all the time spent with your attorney and in court, all the hours burned while considering highly emotional and financial factors, from the impact on your children to the division of assets – put a big part of your life on hold, not to mention a major strain on it. And now with the difficult process over, Newman says, it is important to focus on creating a brand new you.
“The last umpteen months have been about your kids, your ex, and your divorce,” says Newman, “thus, a little ‘me’ time is in order. Here is an opportunity to be free from having to answer to anyone but yourself. So live your life to its fullest.”
Newman’s message is that divorce does not have to be the worst thing that could have happened to you.
There are silver linings as you begin to take control of what you can, and she offers three tips on how to relaunch after a divorce.
• Treat yourself. Right out of the divorce gate, buy something meaningful for yourself. Lose the guilt your ex made you feel for spending on clothes or expensive shoes. Your gift could be something symbolic and therapeutic that fires a shot back at your ex. “I would absolutely recommend you buy yourself a divorce present of some kind,” Newman says. “You deserve it. One woman I represented was constantly mocked by her husband during their marriage for being flat-chested. It is easy to guess what she bought as soon as her cash payment cleared.”
• Embrace single hood. This does not mean you have to hug your first post-divorce dinner partner. It means embracing a new stage of discovery, with the different, interesting people you meet while dating becoming part of your growth. Newman recommends online dating as a way to “relearn how to date.” Many newly divorced people feel insecure about dating, but Newman suggests learning about people outside your comfort zone. And rather than trying to focus on finding Mr. or Mrs. Right, Newman says, “Give yourself some time to look around and meet different types of people. You may learn something that can broaden your perspective on life. If you can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as opportunities for growth, then you can start being more accepting with the outcome of each relationship.”
• Expand your freedom. Use your new windows of time to catch up with friends you have not seen. Newman recommends Facebook as an easy way to reconnect. On weekends when the ex has the kids, strengthen your friendship circle and broaden it. Explore and re-discover yourself. Pursue new hobbies or renew ones you did not have as much time for in marriage. Advance your career. “Your post-divorce life is offering you a chance to go after the promotion you have been dreaming about,” Newman says.
By doing the things you long wanted to do, you can find the new you.
“You are free to be who you are without judgment from a spouse,” Newman says, “and to do whatever you want. Learn to love yourself.” For the Silo, Cathy K. Hayes.
Working with thousands of clients over the years as an online dating coach, I’ve seen so many simple errors intelligent singles make that hamper their chances with online dating.
Before you say online dating does not work (it does), or it will not work for me (why not?), or my friends tell me horror stories (believe me, they are doing something wrong—it’s them, not the app/site), here are some things to think about:
A unique Profile
Short and Sweet sells. No one wants to read a long monologue. Here’s an excerpt of a profile I wrote for a male client that got great traction….and a relationship:
NO: beets, videoconference dates, whining about online dating apps, Red Wings, selfishness, arrogance, snakes. I can’t grow a bougainvillea to save myself. It grows like a weed here and I can’t keep it alive for 10 days.”
We had trouble keeping up with the responses he got!
Your Profile It must be grammatically perfect with no mistakes. Yes, people read these and if they see you using “there” and “their” wrong, they very well may skip right over you. Spellcheck is your BF!
Messages If I hear one more woman tell me the man should reach out first, I’ll lose it!. Men love when you make the first move. If they do send a message, it can be one of two big mistakes:
It’s a short generic message
It’s a 3-paragraph novella where you are cross-eyed by the end with way too much information. Nobody will read this.
The Phone thing Pre-date, why do you need to chat on the phone? Here are the issues with that: A. A 45–60-minute call—client all excited as they have so much in common and the first date expectations have risen astronomically. Very few dates can measure up now.
B. A short, awkward call and no date ensues. This is a bummer because the other person may just not be good on the phone—perhaps a bit reserved, shy, etc. This could have been the right person for you!
Ok, the only time I encourage a phone call is if there is significant distance.
You live within 20 minutes of each other. Go on the date. It’s coffee or a drink. Get dressed and go!
Your photos Nobody, yes, nobody goes to your profile first. Photos make or break you.
If you are serious about online dating and going on good dates or perhaps beginning a relationship, 5-6 great photos are a necessity. And by that I do not mean filtered, air-brushed, highly edited photos. I just mean you at your very best. And current—as in from the past year. And what you will look like when you show up on your date.
Action shots sell. I had a NYC Wall Street-type juggling in a pic. Plus, he bowls. (I guess no one bowls and that grabbed a bit of attention). Not the stereotypical private equity guy, right?
I hope this helps you a bit—I love what I do and enjoy my one-on-one contact with clients. It’s one of the reasons that I sold It’s Just Lunch (I founded it in 1991 and sold out to Private Equity when we had 110 locations globally) as I missed client contact. Remember, it only takes one! For the Silo, Andrea McGinty.
On the heels of the Top 10 names of men who are likely to cheat on you, , a free background check that searches public, criminal, arrest, civil, speeding tickets and more has just released the Top 10 Female Gold Diggers and the list puts Jennifer on top.
Identity theft has been on the rise with 1 in 8 searches coming up with a criminal past, and with that comes a rise in ‘gold diggers’ or women who are just chasing the money, legally or not. DirtSearch.org pulled data from over 2 million background searches and looked closely at the female names most often searched. What came back was petty crimes such as personal property, vandalism and identity theft. Out of that list, the names that come up most often in the top 10 are Jennifer, Jessica and Michelle, followed by Lisa and Ashley.
Here are the Top 10:
1. Jennifer
2. Jessica
3. Michelle
4. Lisa
5. Ashley
6. Amanda
7. Melissa
8. Stephanie
9. Nicole
10. Angela
So if you are a man dating a woman ( or a woman dating a man or a man dating a man or a woman dating a woman) and are questioning if maybe your girl has a shady past or are a qualified ‘gold digger’ just after your bank account, here are ways to tell your girl is a Gold Digger or make sure she is not on the ‘dirty’ list:
1. A sense of entitlement: She thinks she is a princess and has no long-term or short-term goals. Search her first name and last name anonymously on a background search site such as DirtSearch.org. Sites such as that one searches through online public records based on an algorithm and aggregates data across the internet to find what is listed online.
2. Trouble paying their bills: Gold diggers drop hints that they may be evicted or their car might be repossessed when instead they are buying $400 shoes and watches.
3. Age range: The girl is 30 years younger than you but tells you that she is 15 years younger.
4. She never pays for anything.
5. She is into expensive and lavish gifts. The girl asks you to pay for nails, hair and lavish trips.
6. They indulge in a pipe dream: She is constantly talking about becoming an actress or a model.
The company also earlier released 10 U.S. states where background checks are most prevalent. The Top 10 States are as follows:
Arizona
California
Texas
Florida
Illinois
New York
Pennsylvania
Ohio
Michigan
Georgia
Dating in your 20’s can be downright tough these days. A lot of times it’s all about “hooking up” or becoming “friends with benefits”, both which replace the notion of dating as a prelude to a long- term relationship or even saying “I do”. On paper, avoiding commitment seems like a good idea – remaining friends can protect you from the things that tear most couples apart – jealousy, cheating, heartbreak…but what happens when your ”hookup” becomes the one person you can’t live without? Set in the damp and drizzly neighborhoods of Portland, Oregon author Rebecca Kelley’s fun and quirky literary debut, Broken Homes and Gardens [Blake Slate Press] reveals what happens when you toe that fine line between friends and “more”.
Not exactly on-again, off-again, Malcolm and Joanna are in-again, out-again: in love, out of each other’s arms, in an awkward co-living arrangement, out of the country. Their unconventional relationship is the only way, Joanna says, to protect herself from the specter of commitment, which inevitably leads to heartbreak. A When Harry Met Sally meets Portlandia for the Millennial generation, Broken Homes and Gardens is an ode to friendship, lust, and the unrelenting pull of love. It will appeal to readers who love romance, quirky humor, and stories that offer a deeper and sometimes darker look into the risks we take for love.
“Throughout literary history, romantic involvements for young women have been treated as a problem with an easy answer: find the right man, marry him,” says Rebecca, “but I believe the period of early adulthood is not focused only on long-term coupling and knot tying. Many women I know – myself included – were involved in one or two long-term relationships in their 20’s. The struggles of dealing with their ending, and the aftermath, had an enormous impact on our development as women, and an even greater impact on future relationships.”
A contemporary tale full of wry humor, convincing dialogue, and emotional twists and tangles, Broken Homes and Gardens touches upon the following themes:
• The often messy, complicated, confusing and passionate twenty-something love, both in literature and life
• A unique look at the melting pot that is Portland, OR, known as the place where “young people go to retire”
• The “Hookup” Culture: the troubles with 21st century dating and love
• An honest look at “friends with benefits” – does it ever really work?
• Broken homes – literally and figuratively
“My heroine in Broken Homes and Gardens undergoes some relationships in her late teens and early twenties that shake her belief in love so firmly that she decides marriage is not the answer to any of her problems,” adds Rebecca. “Joanna’s approach to her relationship with Malcolm isn’t optimistic but it’s rational. It’s understandable. And I think her story speaks to many of us.”
He had no idea his life would change so significantly……For 31 years, Dennis and Hope Freed had a fulfilling marriage. They raised a family, built a home, and shared their dreams with one another and their two sons.
Then Hope got cancer, and their lives changed drastically overnight. She fought a long brave battle, and went through over 250 chemotherapy treatments, but on April 7, 2012, on an evening that heralded Passover in the United States and Easter in Israel, she died.
Dennis Freed’s beloved wife and best-trusted friend had gone, leaving him alone to figure out a future he’d never imagined. For the first year, he sorted through what society expected of a long-term caregiver and widower. Eventually, Dennis emerged from mourning, his heart ready for life’s next chapter. Is there love after marriage?
In Love, Loss and Awakening, Dennis Freed tells the story of how he began to go out with women again. He shares the reality of dating at age 50-plus—how he endured the awkward and hilarious encounters and embarrassments a man experiences when he hasn’t been on a date with a new woman for decades. Dennis’s book chronicles how one finds love after the death of a spouse. He describes his courageous and uplifting journey through sorrow, his search for new love, and his rediscovery of love and happiness.
Drawing upon the wisdom and personal experiences he acquired dating middle-aged women in all the wrong places, Freed takes the mystery out of the many lessons he learned. Dennis found out that as a widow or widower you can find love again, but it’s a difficult road. Love isn’t unique to the person you loved first. That love never fades, but your heart has room for more. You can get love back in your life. Your new love becomes a special love in its own right.
Here are just a few of the valuable insights:
Hole Heart/ Whole Heart
When you lose your best, most trusted friend, the hardships just begin. You are now alone. Your whole heart collapses to half its size. It transforms into a Hole Heart. The process of resurrecting it to wholeness is like Lego construction, built one little brick at a time. At first, bricks of varying shapes and sizes are sorted through and meticulously placed. Slowly they assume the weight and shape of your newly imagined Whole Heart.
Learn How to Be Physical, Affectionate, and Intimate
You spent thirty-plus years kissing no one but your spouse. If you spend your time worrying about the “what if” instead of enjoying the right now, it will rob you of your joy today. Sometimes you just have to learn something new, like all the kissing pleasures one never experienced. It’s not such a bad idea. Understand that it takes time and practice, and that each person you meet is unique. You’ll make hurtful intimacy mistakes just like a teenager. You’ll make stupid and inconsiderate mistakes. It’s a fact. Practice and learn so that when the right person comes along, you’ll be ready.
A Hundred Bottles of Beer on the Wall
You are going to date a lot of people. It is okay to be sad, mad, depressed, empty, lost after a date that isn’t perfect. Embrace the journey! Feel! Live it! Then get on to the next one so your failures don’t consume you. Have fun searching. Let your dating escapades become the target of jokes for your friends. Entertain them with style!
Love, Loss and Awakening
Dennis P. Freed
List $ 12.95US
88 pages, trade softcover, also available in ebook version
ISBN 978-0-9971916-1-5
Tolawaken Press
The death of a loved one is devastating, and can leave us questioning our new path. Will I ever want to find love again, and if so, how do I find it? What’s appropriate behavior for a widowed fifty-four-year-old? Should I explore dating sites? Meet women in bars? Rely on introductions from friends? The questions far outnumber the answers. In Love, Loss and Awakening, Dennis Freed shares his experiences and his journey to new love and the rediscovery of happiness.
Dennis P. Freed is a native of Brooklyn, New York, and, from age three, grew up in Oceanside, Long Island, where he later raised his family. He earned a BS in Civil Engineering at the University of Rhode Island. After a stint as a structural engineer, he entered the Construction Management and Development profession in New York City, where he has led teams to construct and develop more than sixty-five buildings. Also an associate professor at Pratt University in New York, he teaches Construction Management to architecture students.
What People Are Saying
“Love, Loss, and Awakening is an engaging story of how one man bounces back after losing the love of his life. It is an ode to the power of being in relationship, especially when faced with incredibly difficult and heartbreaking loss. And it is with much humor that Dennis Freed takes the reader on a journey to find what we are all looking for to be joyous and fulfilled in relationship.”
—Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D., Creators of Imago Therapy and authors of Getting the Love You Want
“This is a story of digging deep after loss, finding that being with another is worth the risk, and staying open to lessons both human and Divine. At times an excruciating memoir of living with cancer, at others, a combination of ‘How To’ and, more useful, ‘How NOT To’ of middle-aged dating. Those who have loved deeply will be reminded of what they have or have lost; for others, it’s the promise of how good a relationship can be. The book has a happy ending, yet acknowledges that seeking love must always include a willingness to lose again.”
—Cynthia Wall, LCSW, author of The Courage to Trust: A Guide to Building Deep and Lasting Relationships
“Get ready to cry, laugh, cringe, and howl with wonder and delight as you go through Dennis Freed’s amazing experiences after the loss of his wife. He offers heartfelt real-life insights on how to cope with the despair and overcome the pain so you can face the world and find love and happiness anew.”
—Paul J. Krupin, author of Words People Love to Hear Simple Verbal Recipes for Making the People Around You Feel Good
There are nowadays millions of single men, and among those, many dream of meeting a woman from Eastern Europe. Indeed, these women are known to be extremely attractive, faithful, and ready to do anything to come to live in Europe. Many dating and marriage agencies have been created to cater for this niche, specializing in so-called international marriages.
Unfortunately, many scams are hidden among these agencies. The websites use the faces of superb young women as bait. Once the vulnerable bachelor is hooked by some carefully worded emails, he is asked for money to cover the cost of a plane ticket as well as the visa fee. The sums involved can go up to 1,500 or 2,000 €, depending on the naivety of the man, and there is generally no way to fight it legally.
Anti Arnaques, the First community dedicated to fight Eastern Europe romance scams
That’s why Anti-Arnaques was created, in order to provide a reliable verification platform to any man who has doubts about the sincerity of the person he is speaking to. It includes:
A unique identity verification system in 2 steps: the Express Background Verification, through the four major Russian social networks, and the Official Background Verification, through the public and private databases of Russian and Ukrainian citizens that are reserved to the official authorities.
A black list containing names and pictures of women known to have practiced scams.
Practical advice to identify risk scenarios.
A forum to exchange ideas on potential risky encounter situations.
Testimony of a scam victim
“Hello, I am Rui, I live in Portugal and I was a victim of a scheme. Nastya or Anastasiya Vorozhnina, living at Lomonosova 97-64, 428000 Novopokrovskoe Russia, deceived me. By mere chance, I only lost 200 €, as well as 24 photos. This scheme lasted about 5 months, but I always resisted to send the full amount of money she requested, which was around 800 € to start with.
I hope to my testimony will help someone, and prevent him to fall into such scheme. These women can be very sweet at the beginning: only after 2 or 3 months she started to ask money. She was an authentic professional, who already appears in your list with other names: if I had knew Antiarnaques.org back then, I would not have wasted so much time.”
Rui, 48 years old, scammed by A.V.
The website Antiarnaques.org (which means Antiscams in French) allows anyone who wants to date a Russian, Ukrainian or Slav women to check the identity of a specific woman. Antiarnaques.org also offers the possibility to check the reliability of any marriage agency, and to consult the black list of Russian women known for fraud.
About Dimitri Berezniakov, the creator of Anti Arnaques
Dimitri Berezniakov launched UKReine.com in 1998: it was the first dating site specializing in international marriages between men from France, Belgium, Switzerland and Canada, and Ukrainian women.
This allowed him have a ringside seat to witness the rise of Russian romance scams: he used to receive emails from men victims of these scams almost daily. Because of the magnitude of the problem, he decided to create Anti Arnaques in 2010, in order to offer a reliable solution to individuals wishing to verify the identity of Russian and Ukrainian women.
Anti Arnaques, le premier site francophone de lutte contre les escroqueries sur le marché de la rencontre russe
Le site Antiarnaques.org permet à tout individu souhaitant trouver l’amour auprès d’une femme russe, ukrainienne ou slave de vérifier l’identité d’une femme spécifique. Antiarnaques.org offre également la possibilité de vérifier le sérieux de l’agence matrimoniale choisie, et de consulter la liste noire de femmes russes connues pour escroquerie.
La rencontre de femmes russes, ukrainiennes et slaves : un marché florissant mais présentant de nombreux risques
On compte aujourd’hui dans l’Hexagone de 16 millions à 18 millions de célibataires, divorcés et veufs, ce qui représente un marché attractif et porteur (CIDJ.com). Et ce nombre ne cesse d’augmenter : le nombre de seniors et de divorcés étant en hausse, de plus en plus d’individus se retrouvent à chercher l’âme sœur.
Parmi ces millions de célibataires, de nombreux hommes rêvent de rencontrer une femme originaire d’Europe de l’Est. En effet, on leur promet des femmes fidèles au physique extrêmement attractif, prêtes à tout pour venir vivre en France. Une multitude d’agences matrimoniales s’est ainsi positionnée sur ce créneau, en se spécialisant dans les rencontres dites internationales.
Malheureusement, de nombreuses arnaques se cachent parmi ces agences. Les sites utilisent les visages de superbes jeunes femmes comme appât. Une fois le célibataire vulnérable hameçonné par quelques emails soigneusement rédigés, on lui demande de l’argent pour couvrir le montant d’un billet d’avion ainsi que les frais de visa. Les sommes en jeu peuvent monter jusqu’à 1 500 ou 2 000 € selon la naïveté de l’interlocuteur, et il n’existe en général aucun recours devant la justice.
Anti Arnaques, première communauté francophone luttant contre les arnaques sentimentales d’Europe de l’Est
C’est pour cela qu’a été créé Anti Arnaques, dont l’objectif est de fournir une plateforme de vérification fiable à tout homme ayant des doutes sur la sincérité de son interlocutrice. On y trouve ainsi :
Un système de vérification d’identité unique en deux temps : la Vérification Express, via des 4 principaux réseaux sociaux russes, et la Vérification Officielle, via les bases de données publiques et fermées des citoyennes russes et ukrainiennes qui sont réservées aux organismes officiels.
Une liste noire répertoriant les noms comme les visages des femmes connues pour avoir pratiquées des escroqueries.
Une liste noire des agences matrimoniales internationales connues pour pratiquer des escroqueries.
Des conseils pratiques et concrets pour identifier les scénarios à risque.
Un forum d’entraide pour échanger sur des situations de rencontres potentiellement à risques.
Ils ont été victimes d’arnaques et témoignent
« Tout a commencé par un mail, et des conversations dans lesquelles on parlait de tout et de rien. Je lui ai proposé de venir en France pour son anniversaire, et la cascade d’ennuis a débuté : pas d’argent pour payer le passeport, pas d’argent pour payer le visa…J’ai donc payé tous les frais. Une fois à l’aéroport, elle s’est soi-disant faiteî arrêter, on lui a interdit de quitter le pays à cause du crédit de son appartement. J’ai eu moult preuves de sa bonne foi, j’ai cru en elle, je me suis senti responsable, je me suis investi à fond. J’ai donné beaucoup beaucoup d’argent, et aujourd’hui j’ai tout perdu.
Je souhaite simplement que d’autres ne répètent pas les mêmes erreurs : je l’ai donc signalé sur Anti Arnaques, s’il vous plaît allez-voir, et faites attention ! »
Joël, 43 ans, arnaqué par E. T.
“J’ai commencé une relation par email avec Anastasiya, elle m’a complétement séduit en quelques semaines. Elle était extrêmement douce au début, puis a commencé à réclamer de l’argent. Par chance, j’ai flairé quelque chose de louche et ne lui ai envoyé que 200 €. J’ai ensuite réalisé qu’elle était présente sur la liste noire d’Anti Arnaques ! »
J’espère empêcher un autre homme de tomber dans le même piège ! »
Pierre, 48 ans, arnaqué par A. V.
A propos de Dimitri Berezniakov, le créateur du site Anti Arnaques
Dimitri Berezniakov a lancé UKReine.com en 1998 : il s’agissait alors du premier site de rencontres spécialisé dans les mariages internationaux entre des hommes originaires de France, de Belgique, de Suisse et du Canada, et des femmes ukrainiennes.
Cela lui a permis d’être aux premières loges pour assister à l’essor des arnaques sentimentales en provenance d’Europe de l’Est : il reçoit alors des emails provenant d’hommes victimes de ces escroqueries quasi-quotidiennement. Face à l’ampleur du problème, il décide de créer Anti Arnaques en 2010, afin d’offrir une solution fiable aux individus souhaitant vérifier l’identité de leurs interlocutrices.
Then Hope got cancer, and their lives changed drastically overnight. She fought a long brave battle, and went through over 250 chemotherapy treatments, but on April 7, 2012, on an evening that heralded Passover in the United States and Easter in Israel, she died.
Love, Loss and Awakening
That’s why